The Armenian Radio was asked: "Is it true that comrade cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin's car was stolen in Moscow during the celebrations?" The Armenian Radio answers: "In principle yes, but it was not in Moscow, rather in Kiev, and it was not his car, but his bike and it was not comrade cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin, but comrade highschool teacher Gagarin and his first name was not Yuri, but Leonid..."

Some provincial man has come to Rome, and walking on the streets was drawing everyone's attention, being a real double of the emperor Augustus. The emperor, having brought him to the palace, looks at him and then asks: -Tell me, young man, did your mother come to Rome anytime? The reply was: -She never has. But my father frequently was here.

A man, standing before a censor, is about to testify, whether he has a wife. The censor asks: -Do you have, in all your honesty, a wife? -I surely do, but not in all my honesty.

A runner going to participate in the Olympic games had a dream, that he was driving a quadriga. Early in the morning he goes to a fortune-teller for explanation of the dream. The reply is: -You will win, that meant the speed and the strength of the horses. But, to be sure about this, the runner visits another fortune-teller. This one replies: -You will lose. Don't you understand, that four ones came before you?

Russian company: You have two cows. You drink some vodka and count them again. You have five cows. The Russian Mafia shows up and takes however many cows you have.

In an effort to clarify questions about the purported durability and unusual physical characteristics of Twinkies, we subjected the Hostess snack logs to the following experiments: Exposure A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for 4 days, during which time an inch and a half of rain fell. Many flies were observed crawling across the Twinkie's surface, but contrary to hypothesis, birds, even pigeons, avoided this potential source of substance. Despite the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the Twinkie retained its original color and form. When removed, the Twinkie was found to be substantially dehydrated. Cracked open, it was observed to have taken on the consistency of industrial foam

MONDAY: BREAKFAST - Who can eat breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste while brushing your teeth LUNCH - Send your secretary out for six "Jr burgers". Y'know those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents? Also order French fries, a bowl of chili, a soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family size bottle of juice. AFTERNOON SNACK - Drink the juice. DINNER - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece dinner, don't eat the coleslaw. TUESDAY: BREAKFAST - Eat the coleslaw LUNCH - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing it whole t

A man goes into his doctor's office to learn the results of some tests and immediately the doctor greets him by saying "Well Sam, I have good news and bad news. Which would you like to hear first?" Sam decides on the bad news first and his doctor tells him "Sam, I'm very sorry but you have pancreatic cancer. It's inoperable and you will die within the next 2 months" "That's absolutely horrible! What could possibly be the good news?" "Well you see that beautiful receptionist out there?" "Yeah?" "I'm screwing her!"

Dad to his family: The phone bill is exceptionally high. You have to limit its use. I don't use this telephone. I use the one a the office. Mum: Same here, I hardly use this phone as I use my work telephone. Son: Me too, I never use the home telephone. I always use my company mobile. Maid: So what's the problem? We all use our work telephones!

You have a million cows. Most of them are illegals.

Why does a chicken cross the street? Because it wants to get on the other side!

Why should not a chicken cross the road? It would be a fowl proceeding.