An old Jewish man is picked up by the Stalinist police and brought in for questioning: Where were you born?! St. Petersburg. Where do you live?! Leningrad. (menacingly) Where would you like to die?! St. Petersburg.

Q: Comrade Lev, why now, just when things are getting better for your people, are you applying for an exit visa to make aliyah to Israel? A: Well, comrade, there are two reasons. One is that my next-door neighbor is Pamyat and he tells me that after they get rid of you communists, they are coming next after the Jews. Q: But they will never get rid of us communists! A: I know, I know, of course you are right! And that's the other reason.

An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel. When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise! The official laughed and let the old man through. The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The sonofabitch! I will put him on display in my toilet for all the years he

An elderly man refuses to leave for the air raid shelter until he can find his dentures. His wife yells at him, "What, you think they are dropping sandwiches?"

Knock, knock! Who's there? Delores. Delores who? Delores my shepherd...

Toc Toc! Qui est là? Sheila. Sheila qui? Sheila lutte finale...

Knock, knock, knock! Who's there, i' th' name of Beelzebub? Here's a farmer that hanged himself on the expectation of plenty. Come in time, have napkins enough about you, here you'll sweat for 't.

Knock, knock! Who's there, in th' other devil's name? Faith, here's an equivocator that could swear in both the scales against either scale, who committed treason enough for God's sake, yet could not equivocate to heaven. O, come in, equivocator.

The economy is so bad. . . if the bank returns your check marked ''Insufficient Funds,'' you call them and ask if they meant you or them. The economy is so bad. . . a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

I saw a girl the other day. I didn't like her because she was a butter face. You know 'butter face' - she has a hot body, but her face . . .

Knock, knock, knock! Who's there? Faith, here's an English tailor come hither for stealing out of a French hose. Come in, tailor. Here you may roast your gooses.

Knock, knock! Who's there? Sobers. Sobers who? Sau baras se khatkhata rahen hain, Ab to darwazaa kholo.