A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and mixed emotions when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap; I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time." She said, "You have the biggest penis of all your friends."

A woman is walking down the street with a pack of menstrual pads in her hand, after buying them from the store. A homeless guy comes by and kindly asks for money. The woman says she has no change. So, the guy being a smartass says, "Can I have some of that bread in your hand?" The woman being a bigger smartass says, "Meet me tomorrow and I will give it to you with some ketchup on it!"

You'll never guess what just happened! I just got arrested for punching a black woman. It wasn't my fault it was my mom's. We were in Home Depot when she told me to go find a Black & Decker.

One day, I was about to tell my 'Micky Mouse is Mad' joke to my friends, when I get to the part "Mickey Mouse was in the Divorce court..." One of my friends interrupted me and started yelling... "But why is it Mickey Mouse? Why not Steamboat Willie? Or George?" Losing interest, I noticed there was a post-it on my backpack. I threw it to my second friend. He opened it and read 'Fluffy?', and threw it to my first friend droning on and on and on and on and on and.... He said this. "Why is Steamboat Willie the same as Mickey Mouse? Steamboat Willie is a boat driver and Mickey Mouse does NOTHING. He just sits around being all-" then he got the post-it. "FLUFFY? He just sits around being FLUFFY?"

what did one gay say to the other when they broke up? ''YOU'RE SUCH A PAIN IN THE A*S''

These are quotes from the show SOUTH PARK. If you're a fan, you'll love this! They are the quotes of CARTMAN("the fat ass") Cartman: You so much as TOUCH kitty's ass, and I'll put a firecracker in your nutsack and blow your balls all over your pants. Stan: Jesus, Cartman. Cartman: Well, I'm just sayn', man, seriously, don't mess with kitty, man. Chief Running Water: Your mother is what we Indians call, 'Bear With Wide Canyon.' Cartman: What do you mean? CRW: She is 'Doe Who Cannot Keep Legs Together.' Cartman: Huh? CRW: Your mom's a slut. Kyle: Wow! That's a lot of seamen, Cartman. Cartman: Yeah, I bought all that I could at this bank, and then I got the rest from this guy Ralph in an

Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book Let's see the results . . . "Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry. "Oh, well - I was at Hogwarts meself but I - er - got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything." A magic wang . . . this was what Harry had been really looking forward to. "Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon, Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work. Your father

The "bishop" came to our church today The was a fucken impostor He never once moved diagonally

This 4-year-old kid is sitting on the couch watching T.V. silently, with an angry look on his face. After a while, his mother notices this and asks him, "Why the long face?" "Well, Mommy, I know that you invited everyone to your wedding. You invited grandpa, grandma, my uncle, your friends and all . . ." "So what's the problem, Sweety?" his mother asks. "WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME?"

Me and my friend were IMing and it was like this... Me:BRB Him: kake Me:heh Him:I LIKE KAKE Me:i like 3.1415926535 Him:Pi >:0

1 Good Grades 2 Social life 3 Adequate Sleep. Pick Two Welcome to College...

Dad, have you got a ladder? Yes; why? I have to write an essay on an elephant!