Yo Mamma's so fat when she jumped off the ship a sailor yelled, "Land Ahoy!"

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, "Hey, koala! What are you doing?" The koala said, "Smoking a joint - come up and have some," so the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala, where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while, the little lizard said that his mouth was dry and he was going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped to the river bank. Then he asked the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sit

This couple is walking to a bank, and they're trying to get at a savings account, when suddenly a bank robber comes in. He tells everyone to get against the wall, then he told the banker to put all the money in the bag. He then walks up to a man, and said, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The man replies, "Yes." Bang, he shoots him. He gos to another man; "Did you see me rob this bank?" The man gives no answer, then the robber puts the gun up to his head and said, "Did you see me rob this bank?" "Yes," the man replies. The robber shoots him, then he goes up to the couple and once again said, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The man replies, "No, but my wife did."

I tried for years to snap my thumb and finger together - and suddenly it clicked!

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS: (1) They live here. You don't. (2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture. (3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. (4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly. Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they (1) eat less, (2) don't ask for money all the time, (3) are easier to train, (4) normally come when called, (5) never ask to drive the car, (6) don't hang out with drug-using people; (7) don't smoke or drink, (8) don't want to wear your

How do you shut up a crying baby? Finish the job.

Do you think god gets stoned? I do. Look at the platypus! -Robin Williams

How can you tell if a blonde has been in your fridge? There is lipstick on the cucumber

Goodman was a moderately successful stockbroker who dreamed of making the big money some day. He took his friend out for a drive, and he chose the route carefully in order to impress on him the possibilities of the brokerage business. "Look at that yacht," he said as they drove slowly past a marina. "That belongs to the senior partner at Merrill Lynch. The head of Goldman, Sachs, owns that one over there, and look at that huge yacht out there - that's the pride and joy of the top seller at Prudential-Bache." His friend was silent. Goodman turned to look at him and saw a pained look on his face. "What's the matter?" Goodman asked. "I was just wondering," his friend said, "why aren't there

A police man arrested a MBA marketing girl.... GIRL: I'M not involved in sex COP:Then what are you doing? GIRL: I am selling condoms and offering a free a trial

What do you call a black priest? Holy Crap!

Once upon a time in a land where everyone updates there Facebook status every 5 seconds, there was a young girl named Isabel. When Isabel was reading her cereal box, she thought "Oh.Maybe I should check my Facebook." So Isabel walked over to her Mac and sat down. She typed in Facebook.com and clicked enter. But when she tried to sign in, it said "cookies required." "Okay." Isabel said so she walked into the kitchen and over to the cupboard and looked for some cookies. But she did not find any. So Isabel went to Hyvee with her mom and bought some cookie mix. 10 minutes later she had some cookies.So Isabel got her dads hand saw and sawed the Mac in half. Afterwards, she stuffed every single c