Y'know - just when I think I've finally figured out women, I wake up!

"What I saw, it was burned into my mind forever." "Well, that explains the red markings on your scalp."

She was only a whisky maker's daughter, but he loved her still.

One stormy night an English, Irish and Scottish man were walking home and had no shelter so at the top of this big hill they found this haunted house. They were all freaked out and hesitated to go in. Eventually, the English man went in and found a five pound note sitting on the table and he goes to lift it when all of a sudden the ghost of Mickey Mouse appears and says, "I'm the ghost of Mickey Mouse; lift that fiver and I'll haunt your house." Next the Scottish man went in and saw the fiver, but before he could lift it the ghost of Mickey Mouse appeared again and said, "I'm the ghost of Mickey Mouse; lift that fiver and I'll haunt your house." Finally, the Irishman went in and lift

A store owner makes a sign to hang in his window. FRESH FISH SOLD HERE A critic walks into the store and asks the owner if he would like his store critiqued. He says yes. "Well, first thing's the sign," says the critic. "'Fresh Fish Sold Here'? Well, where else would you sell 'em?" FRESH FISH SOLD "'Fresh Fish Sold'. What else would you be doing, giving 'em away?" FRESH FISH "'Fresh Fish'. Kinda obvious. Would you sell rotting fish?" FISH "'Fish'. People walk by, they see a fish in the window. What do they think you sell, chicken?" -

It was my first vacation out of my home country - I was going to Australia. It was also going to be my first time on a plane, so I got a nice, large, purple bag with one of the long, pull-out handles and wheels on the bottom so you can pull it around. It was a new experience for me! But, when I got to Australia, I watched the carousel go around and I saw nothing but the long handle. I even checked the sticker, and it was from my bag. I was furious. I walked up to a woman who worked at the airport and said, "Explain this to me!" She looked at the handle. "Are you sure that's your bag?" she replied. "Yes!" I cried, "but I'm missing most of it!" "Well, did you leave it unattended at some point

Three friends sat down in the new cafe' in town. They began to have casual conversation, and eventually jokes were brought up. One of them said, "Oh, did you hear the joke about the guy in hell drinking coffee and eating a doughnut?" Before anyone could answer, though, the man across the room told the waitress, "I'll have some coffee and a doughnut"

A special kind of firework with very bright colors and little smoke was accidentally discovered when a man tried to make the atomic bomb safer. That defeats the original purpose.

Everyone knows that common phrase, meaning, 'COME ON, I NEED TO GET LUCKY!' Well, whenever I need to get lucky, I say, Daddy needs a new pair o' pants! (Come on, winter is coming!)

Jersey girls aren't trash; trash gets picked up.

How long does a black woman take to do a shit? 9 months

1. Thinly smear a layer of white shaving cream on a white toilet seat and wait for the next poor sap to sit down. 2. Get some poppers (the little white paper balls with the flint in them) and place them under the pegs of a toilet seat. When the next person sits down, the loud BANG will scare the shit out of them. 3. Take some liquid hand soap and mix it with water, then, dab your finger in the liquid and write something on the mirror. Once dried, the soap should be nearly invisible. The next time someone takes a shower and fogs up the mirror, the writing will appear. 4. If you have a shower head that screws off, this prank can be priceless. Unscrew the head an carefully pour red kool-aid