Maths teacher asks a blonde girl what comes after 69?" Essex girl replies "you wash your face and rinse your mouth DUH...!"

Those Wonderful Church Bulletins. The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".

Press Release Scare At Adelaide F.C. (Football Club) Headquarters Training at West Lakes was delayed nearly two hours late this morning, after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the ground. Initially the Club thought it was a prank! Team manager Neil Craig immediately suspended training, while police and the ASIO (Australia Special Investigations Office) were called to investigate. After a complete analysis, SA Police forensic experts determined that the white substance, unfamiliar to most of the players, was in fact, the goal line. Practice will resume this afternoon after police and ASIO decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.

How do you know if you have the swine flu? You wake up in pigtails and then break out in rashers!

Swine flu may affect your hearing: you could get crackling in one ear!

Top 10 Signs of Having Swine Flu 1. Tears flow from your small eyes during a nightly bedtime reading of Three Little Pigs. 2. A small curly tail is growing at the top of your tailbone. 3. When called to dinner, you head directly to the trough in the backyard. 4. Your thumbs and big toes are missing. 5. You apply mud instead of suntan lotion on a sunny day. 6. You develop a liking for truffles. 7. At each meal you literally lick your plate clean. 8. You emit short snorts between sentences. 9. When friends visit you, they remark, "Man, this place is a pigsty!" 10. Fever accompanied by the smell of bacon.

I hear there's now a sine flu as well. Someone on the news was going off on a tangent about it.

yo momma is so ugly when she passed a horror movie filming the camera man said "Hey! No breaks, get back on set."

Q:Why can peter pan fly? A:Because if you got hit in the peter with a pan you'd fly too.

yo momma is so stupid she drowned in the shower.

Two eggs sitting on a kitchen table, when one sees a whisk. He says to his friend, "Ooh, what's that?" The friend replies, "Beats me!"

Why is a pool table green? Because if someone racked your balls you'd be green too.