A guy walks into a doctor's office. He has a sausage coming out of his ear, a waffle coming out of his nose, and bacon coming out of his other ear. He says worriedly, "Doc, what's wrong with me?" The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people - whether they are employed or not. 2) When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish. 3) If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22. 4) It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. 5) Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving. 6) Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent wi

Two delicate blossoms of Southern femininity, one from Mississippi and the other from Texas, were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The Mississippian said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me." The Texan lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?" The lady from Mississippi continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive." Again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?" The first woman boasted, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet." Yet again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn'

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop." Customer: "OK." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "OK. Right-click again. So you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'." _____________________________________________ Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left-hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?" Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?"

Knock knock. Who's there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in, it's raining!

A man was walking through Beverly Hills selling door to door what he claimed to be the "Magic Elixir of Life". Of course, the police arrested him and ran a computer check of him. They found the man had quite a long record of such dealings. He was first arrested for that type of crime in 1660.

Why did the chicken do a poo right in front of a hole on a really busy footpath? Because he wanted people to slip on the poo and fall in the hole.

What do you call a chicken in a shell suit? An egg!

What do you call a chicken? A chicken.

Why can't you go to the bathroom at a Beatles concert? There's no John.

What does PMS stand for? Potential Murder Suspect

Knock-Knock Who's there? Alaska Alaska who? Alaska one more time, open the door