Yo mama's so fat, she fell in love and broke it.

Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?" The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad we're penguins, doesn't it?"

What is the difference between a BMW & a porcupine? A porcupine has pricks on the outside.

A bear and a rabbit are walking together and they find a magic lamp. They decide to rub it and a genie comes out. The genie says, "Thank you for releasing me I will give you both 3 wishes." The bear thinks and says, "I wish all the other bears in this forest were lady bears." Then the rabbit says, "I wish for a little motorcycle that is perfect for me." The genie grants both wishes. Then the bear decides his second will be for all the bears in the country besides him to be female The rabbit wishes for a little helmet that fits his head and has holes for his ears. Then the bear says, "Why not have all the bears in the world be girls." Then the rabbit, thinking quickly, says, "I

In Midtown Manhattan a police officer arrives at the scene of what appears to be a bad accident. A pedestrian is lying in the crosswalk. The driver of the car under suspicion says, "I swear I didn't touch him! I saw him at the crosswalk, I came to a complete stop, motioned for him to cross, and he fainted."

The movie producer was planning his next blockbuster - an action docudrama about famous composers. So he set up a meeting with Jean-Claude Van Damme, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger and offered them the chance to select which famous musicians they'd portray. "Chopin has always been my favorite," said Van Damme. "That's the part for me." "I've always admired Mozart," Stallone said. "I'd love to play him." The producer turned to Schwarzenegger. "And you, Arnold? Who do you want to be?" There was a long silence, then he replied, "I'll be Bach."

The sky was dark the moon was high all alone just her and I Her hair was so soft Her eyes so blue I knew just what she wanted to do her skin so soft her legs so fine I ran my fingers down her spine I didn't know how But I tried my best I started by placing my hand on her breast I remember my fear My fast beating heart but slowly she spread her legs apart, and when I did it I felt no shame and all at once the white stuff came At last it's finished it's all over now my first time ever at milking a cow

That sometimes when you cry, no one sees your tears. Sometimes when you're sad, no one understands your pain. Sometimes when you're happy, no one sees your smile. But you just have to fart once, and EVERYBODY knows.

Seminars for Females (Prepared and presented by Males) 1. Elementary map reading 2. Crying and law enforcement 3. Advanced math seminar: Programming your VCR 4. You can go shopping for less than 4 hours 5. Gaining five pounds vs. the end of the world: A study in contrast. 6. PMS: It's your problem, not mine ("It's happened monthly since puberty-deal with it.") 7. Driving I. Getting past automatic transmissions 8. Driving II. The meaning of blinking orange lights 9. Driving III. Approximating a constant speed 10. Driving IV. Makeup and Driving; it's as simple as oil and water 11. Football: Not a game; a sacrament 12. Telephone Translations (Formerly titled, "Me too" equals "I love y

Seminars For Males (Prepared and Presented by Females) 1. Combatting stupidity 2. You too can do housework 3. PMS: Learn when to keep your mouth shut 4. How to fill an ice tray 5. We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas: give us money 6. Understanding the female response to your coming in drunk at 4am 7. Wonderful laundry techniques (formerly titled, "Don't wash my silks") 8. Parenting: It doesn't end with conception 9. Get a life; learn to cook 10. How not to act like a jackass when you're obviously wrong 11. Spelling: Even you can get it right 12. Understanding your financial incompetence 13. You: The weaker sex 14. Reasons to give flowers 15. How to stay awake in public

Did you hear about the sailor who died, and wanted to be buried at sea by his 5 blonde daughters? His daughters all drowned digging the grave.

A redneck is walking along the beach in France. There are many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a French guy lying on the beach who is surrounded by adoring women. "Excuse me," he says, taking the guy aside, "but I've been trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem to get anywhere with them. You're French. You know these women. What do they want?" "Maybe I can help a leetle beet," says the Frenchman. "What you do ees you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You walk up and down zee beach. You meet