Yo momma so fat that when I wanted to take her picture I had to back up so far that I ended up in China.

Two old pilot friends in the Air Force were talking about the day's activities: Jenkins (first pilot): Did you hear? Captain Smith jumped out of a B-1 bomber, without a parachute, and he wasn't hurt! Randy (Second Pilot): That's impossible! The fall would have killed him! Jenkins (shakes his head): The bomber hadn't taken off yet.

There were three men stranded on an island with nothing to eat, but a bowl of mac n cheese. The first guy says, "I have an idea, lets all swim to the other side and the first one there gets the bowl of mac n cheese". They all tie so the second guy says, "I have an idea, lets all swim back and the first one back gets the bowl of mac n cheese". They all tie again and the third guy says, "I have an idea, lets all go to sleep and the one with the best dream gets the bowl of mac n cheese". The next morning the first guy says, "I dreamed I ate all the mac n cheese in the world". The second guy says, "I dreamed I ate the bowl of mac n cheese". The third guy says, "Yankee Doodle went to town ridin o

A man walked into a café and he said, "Could I have a breakfast". The cafe owner said, "Certainly, sir". He said, "But could you do it my way". The owner says, "What's your way". He says, "I want a fried egg that's been over-cooked so it's got a rubbery texture so I can bounce it up and down on the floor, I want bacon that's so brittle that when I stab my fork in it it springs around the room, I want baked beans that are cold in the middle, hot on the outside, I also want fried bread that's dripping in grease with no crispy bits". The owner says, "I haven't got time to do all that". The man says, "Well, you f*cking found time yesterday!"

Definition of alien-people from another country.

Route 66 says to the country road: Hey, man, you straight? Country road says: Heck no, I'm a byway!

A newcomer in town goes to a bar, the bar manager notices he is new and says, "Sir, you're new, and when you're new, you have to drink a whole barrel of beer, then fix the crocodile's sore tooth, then you give that nice lady right there a hug, or you can't come to this bar again!" The newcomers says, "That's ridiculous!" and leaves the bar. A couple minutes later, he comes back, he drinks the barrel of beer, then he goes into the backyard. After a couple screams of bloody murder, screeches, cries of pain, the newcomer returns all bloody and bruised. Then he goes up to the manager and says, "Okay, where's the girl with the sore tooth?"

I was reading an article yesterday that was talking about the University of Michigan. They referred to it as MU. This got me to thinking.... What do they call the University of Florida?

What's a Mexican called when he's covered in dirt? A churro

A couple who is having problems in their marriage decide to go on a talk show. The wife complains that her husband does not listen to her and is ungrateful. She blames this on her husband's career. The host asks the man, "Has being in politics had any affect on your sex life?" Bill Clinton replies, "Mine's great, how's yours honey?"

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Q: What do you get when you cross an anteater and a monkey? A: I haven't a goddamn clue.