1. Britney Spears & Eminem who, combined, have written more books than they've read. 2. Dr. Phil McGraw who has managed to convince millions of women to buy his self-help books, despite the fact that his most hight-profile patient, Oprah Winfrey, is an overweight woman with serious commitment issues. 3. America's Oil Companies for a lifetime body of work proving that oil and water don't mix. 4. Yasser Arafat & Ariel Sharon for those 2 consecutive days last March when no Israelis or Palestinians killed each other. 5. Bill Gates for creating the X-Box and convincing Americans that their children need a $200 video game system during a recession. 6. The Editors of Maxim for man

W a t e r 1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated. (Likely applies to half the world population.) 2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger. 3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%. 4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a U-Washington study. 5. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue. 6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers. 7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and diff

1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and let your passenger order. 2. Ask the price of almost everything on the menu and then order something that you didn't ask the price for. 3. Tell the employee that your window is broken. Order and then pay with your door open. When the food comes, roll down the window and snatch your order from their hands. 4. Go to McDonald's and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight. 5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels. 6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you're in. 7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window-shopping and drive on. 8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you wo

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations. 2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store. 3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day. 4. Start playing football -- see how many people you can get to join in. 5. Try on bras over top of your clothes. 6. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms. 7. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "Sex and Candy." 8. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares." and see what happens. 9. Tune all the radios to a polka

1. Only in America . . . can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America . . . are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in America . . . do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in America . . . do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke. 5. Only in America . . . do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America . . . do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in America .

A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to fill in the rest. Here's what the kids came up with: Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader. Strike while the... bug is close. It's always darkest before... daylight savings time. Never underestimate the power of... termites. You can lead a horse to water but... how? Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty. No news is... impossible. A miss is as good as a... Mr. You can't teach an old dog... math. If you lie down with dogs, you... will stink in the morning. Love all, trust... me. The pen is mightier than... the pigs. An idle mind is... the b

Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong! Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing California: As Seen on TV Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids Georgia: Without Atlanta we're Alabama Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money) Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S" Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free Iowa: We Do A

Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to? A: Oral. Q: How old is your son - the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My

(Setting: A furious lightsaber duel is underway. Darth Vader is backing Luke Skywalker towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader chops off Luke's hand. It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down....) Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father. Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him! Darth Vader: No, Luke... I am your father! Luke: No! It's not true! It's impossible. Darth Vader: Search your feelings... you know it to be true. Luke: NO! Darth Vader: Yes, it is true... and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours? Luke: Threepio? Darth

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach, "now go over there and explain it to your mother."

In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression. The instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth, screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, "A basketball coach?"

G. W. Bush was very depressed that people were saying he is stupid. So he calls his good friend Queen Elizabeth, who says, "Now George, what you need to do is to surround yourself with smart people. Let me show you." She conference calls Tony Blair in and asks, "Tony, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?" Tony Blair replies, "It's me!" and hangs up. G.W. Bush then calls Dick Cheney and says, "Dick, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?" And Cheney says, "Wow, that's a tough one. Let me get back to you." So Cheney calls Colin Powell and says, "Colin, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sis