It was a blond's birthday, and to celebrate, he took his girlfriend out on a date; he dressed very nicely, in a tuxedo, sharp tie, and some nice soft pants. He went to his girlfriend, and said, "Do you have anything to say to me?" His girlfriend also a blonde, says, "Yeah, what up with the tie?"

Melvyn and Max were left quite a large plot of land by their rich father. However, this caused the two sons much grief. For months they argued long and hard over how the land should be divided between them. The solution just wasn't that simple, so they took the problem to their priest. "Father," said Melvyn, "can you please help us solve our problem?" As soon as he had heard their case, Father Murphy said, "Come back tomorrow and we'll talk again." The next day, Melvyn and Max returned and the priest gave them his solution. He gave Max a coin and said, "You can toss the coin." "And you," said Father Murphy to Melvyn, "can call it, heads or tails. Whoever wins the toss will divide the land.

Little Willy, full of hell, Threw his sister in the well. Their mother said when drawing water, "It's so hard to raise a daughter."

A child named Bob was running through the neighbor's garden. "Hey!" shouted the neighbor, "I thought I told you not to let me catch you here again!" "Right!" replied the boy, "and you haven't caught me yet!"

Jacky walked into his house from school crying; his mom saw him and said, "What's wrong, Jacky?" Jacky replied, "I lost a quarter at school!" "There, there," replied his mother, "here's another," handing him a quarter. Jacky cries even louder; this time his mother, upset, says, "What's the matter now?" Jacky says, "I wish I said I lost a dollar!"

A boy walks home an hour late to class, the teacher asks him, "Why are you so late?" The boy replies, "I stopped two boys from beating each other up." The teacher says, "That's very nice; how did you do that?" The boy says, "I beat them both up!"

A boss of a computer company walked up to one of his workers. "You're fired!" exclaimed the boss. "I didn't do anything!" replied the confused worker. The boss, happy with his answer, says, "I know. That's why you're fired!"

A man walks into a modern art museum, he sees a piece of art, and says, "Look how ugly that is, the nose is all out of shape, and look at those arms, so small and weak, I bet the person who created this is a wimp!" A security guard nearby says, "Sir, that's a mirror."

Every day, Mr. Koch has to cross the river by ferry in order to get to work. Waking up late one morning, he dressed quickly, ran out the door and raced to the dock. The boat was several yards away, and stepping back and taking a mighty leap, Mr. Koch landed with a crash on the deck. "Made it!" he cried triumphantly. "So?" said one of the passengers, "What was the rush? The boat is coming in."

Mr. Lwin was staring at the cage in the zoo, watching the great cat pace back and forth. "I wonder what the tiger would say if it could talk," he said to the zookeeper. The zookeeper replied, "It would probably say, 'Hey dummy, I'm a cheetah!"

The teacher said to the cooking class. "Tell me: what is the most important thing to put in a chocolate cake?" Faith quickly replied, "Your teeth!" The teacher said, "No, the ingredients." After correcting Faith, the cooking teacher said, "Who can tell me the best way to keep yogurt from spoiling?" Faith answered, "By eating it!."

"Hey," says Jim, "this match won't light!" "Strange," says Ned,. "It worked okay this morning."