Tommy was dying. His wife was with him, standing next to his bed. As he was drawing his last few breaths, he gasped, "Helen, I have one last request." "Of course, Tommy, what is it?" Helen asked softly. "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Louis." "But I thought you hated Louis," said Helen. With his final breath, Tommy said, "I do."

Bernie has been ill for some months and then suddenly dies. As is the custom, his wife Sadie puts an advert in the 'deaths' section of the Chronicle, but this advert is slightly unusual – it states that Bernie died of gonorrhoea. Immediately, a close friend of Bernie rings Sadie to complain. "Sadie," he says, "you know full well that Bernie died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea, so why did you word the advert incorrectly?" "I looked after Bernie day and night for over 3 months," replies Sadie, "so of course I know he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for people to remember Bernie as a great lover rather than the big sh*t he was."

At the end of a hard year's work, Bobby decides to take a holiday right away and he books himself on a Caribbean cruise. The first few days of the cruise are perfect but then calamity - the ship sinks and Bobby ends up on a small, uncharted island. He looks around and sees that there is nothing nearby except bananas and coconuts. Still, these are better than starving to death. Ten weeks later, as he is sitting in the shade, to his surprise a small boat lands on the beach and the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets out, walks over to him and says, "Hi." He can't believe his luck. He replies, "Hi to you too. Where on earth have you come from? How did you get here? What's your name?"

When my pap was younger, his family didn't have much money. One year for Christmas, his mother cut a hole in the front of his underwear so he would have something to play with.

Ok, now the last time I did this, I got a lot of comments saying that there's no point, and they only submit things they think is funny and blah blah blah. Well, anyways, I'm planning to do this.... again.. and by the way, I think it'd be extremely funny. Everyone, please give this a full smiley. Sooner or later, this is going to become the highest rated "joke". I figured it'd be extremely funny if the highest rated joke, wasn't even a joke at all... Thanks a billion for your cooperation!!

knock knock, who's there animal animal who? animal i kin git lots of stuff iffn i have ta money

A man goes to the store with a list of things he needs to buy for his wife, and as he is going in he sees a child with free kittens. He continues and buys the things on the list. On the way out he sees the free kittens again and no-one has taken any. So he takes his things to his car, comes backs and takes the SIX kittens that are left. He goes home brings in the groceries and then the six kittens. when his wife sees the six kittens she says "Why do you have six kittens, six kittens!" Husband calmly replys, "Six kittens hell, those are six pale bearers for your dead pussy!"

Inside i could hear a lot of bass noise pumping. I went outside to see what it was and i found out it was a drummer practicing. I went inside and told my family that the player made a mistake and said dammit. My brother said "I wonder which band it was?"

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink. He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it." So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?" But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it." The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son." The bartender said, "Your only son, I'm guessing."

Two people were at a bar resting when one said, "I wish I was God." The other said, "Are you mad?" And the other says, "How could you say such a thing?" and the reply is, "I don't want to have to lose all of Buddha's fat!"

I'm a nobody and nobody is perfect - therefore, I am perfect.

Now, my brother ALWAYS daydreams. He just can't help it. He also likes getting me to feel bad. I just got a new IPod and my brother says whenever I put it in my ears that i have turned into a zombie. When we were out for a bike ride down through the park he wouldn't stay left (We live in the southern hemisphere) and so other people on the track had to move to the right to get past. I screamed out to him to go left when i had my IPod in and he said "What." I said "Left, L-E-F-T. Gosh you can't hear anything when you daydream." And his response was "No you can't hear anything with your IPod in, I know what you said, you said FELT." I wonder who is the one that can't hear?