Top Jokes
Sharon and her friend Kitty, two little elderly ladies, are out for a drive in a large Mercedes with Kitty driving and Sharon in the front passenger seat. After a few minutes, they come to some traffic lights but although the lights are clearly at red, the car just continues across the intersection.
Sharon says to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
A few minutes later, they come to another set of lights and again they go through red, this time narrowly missing a car driving across them. Although Sharon is sure the light was at red, she is still convinced she is losing it. She is now getting very nervous.
At the next intersection, the light
Jack and Joe are in a diner where there's a computer who gives advice to the people in the diner. Jack starts talking about how the two are going to graduate from high school when a young boy walks in. He explains his problem to the computer, which gladly offers him advice. The boy walks out happily.
The computer comes over to Jack and Joe. Joe asks, "Hey, how come you never help us with our problems?"
The computer answers, "I'm just a computer. I'm not a miracle maker."
There once was a man who couldn't speak correctly. He wanted to go buy some stuff for his wife. First, he needed to buy a bucket. "Excuse me sir, can I buy a fuck-it?" the man asked. The clerk said, "You mean a bucket?" "Yes, that's what I said, a fuck-it." While the man was walking he found some gum. "Oh look, bum." He took the gum and walked to the pet store. He wanted to buy a cocker spaniel. "Excuse me sir, can I buy a cock-and-spank-it?" "Sure, but you do mean a cocker spaniel?" "Yes, that's what I said, a cock-and-spank-it."
As the man was walking, and his dog ran away. The man asked a stranger, "Excuse me miss, can you hold my bum and fuck-it, while I get my cock-and-spank-it?"
A little boy walks into a ice cream parlor to buy ice cream.
Worker: Hello little boy, can I help you?
Little boy: Yes, I want some chocolate ice cream, please.
Worker: Sorry, we're out of choclate.
Little boy: Ok, I'll have some...........chocolate.
Worker: Once again, we're out of chocolate, pick another flavor.
Little boy: Hm................ I like chocolate!
Worker thinks to himself.
Worker: So boy, do you want some chocolate?
Little boy: But there is no freakin chocolate!
Worker: Exactly!
Jenny walks into a pet shop and says to Bobby, the owner, "I want to buy a canary." "We have many types," says Bobby, "is there any particular one you're after?"
"Yes," replies Jenny, "its got to be a very good singer. I'm prepared to pay good money for a great singing bird."
"Lady, I've got the very one," says Bobby, "I've been in this business for a long time and this bird has the best singing voice I've ever heard - we don't call it 'Pavarotti' for nothing. I'll get it for you."
As he begins to climb a ladder to reach a small cage on the top shelf, Jenny says, "I hope you're not wasting your time. Just because you're climbing a ladder like a monkey won't make me feel obliged to buy thi
A lady goes to a menswear shop to buy clothes for her husband. When she finds the clothes she likes she goes up to the counter and says, "I would like to buy these please." The man at the counter says, "Certainly, but you must sign this form." The lady says "Why?" but the man ignores her. The form reads as follows:
Title: _____ Full Name: _______________________
She fills it in like this:
Title: Ms Full Name: Jenny Hollows
The man at the counter asks, "What does the 'Ms' mean? Does it mean you are divorced?" and the woman responds with, "It is non specific. It is none of your business if I am divorced or not!" The man says "Wow! Men should get one like that!"
"Tomorrow is a boiling hot day, at 10 degrees Fahrenheit. The day after that is the same temperature, as well as the next and the next. Won't these temperatures ever cool down?"
"Ciao amico, desidero comprare un mazzo di banane."
"Il compagno spiacente, questo è un farmacista."
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