1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette. 3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans. 4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say. 5. Your using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving? call 1-800-***-****. 6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice. 7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male. 8. You're counting down the days until menopause. 9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy. 10. The Ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

1. You get mad when you don't find a fly in your soup. 2. You buy out the supply of wart removal cream in your drugstore constantly. 3. French chefs are eyeing your legs and appear to be following you. 4. Bug lamps appear to you as a curse. 5. On applications, you list 'Pond' as your home address. 6. Kermit is your idol. 7. You get mad whenever Miss Piggy makes a pass at Kermit. 8. Have seen the movie 'The Fly' at least ten times. 9. You live in fear that some day you will wind up in a child's aquarium. 10. France is the evil empire to you.

10) Getting six hours of sleep is a privilege. 9) The sentence, "Honey, could you take his foot out of my pocket?" sounds normal. 8) You are used to doing everything one-handed. 7) The thought of your mother-in-law coming over for a few hours is a pleasant one. 6) The list of bodily fluids that disgust you has shortened, possibly to zero. 5) Your idea of romance is handholding. 4) You answer the question, "How are you?" with, "We're fine." 3) You decide whether a shirt is wearable, not based on sweatiness, but based on how well the spit-up stains match the shirt's main color. 2) You see a slender teenage girl walking down your street, and you think, "Hey, I wonder if I could interest

10. If it's wet make it dry. 9. If it's dry make it wet. 8. Always ask for on-call pay before agreeing to overtime. 7. Never tell management what you are really thinking. 6. Never finish report with, "You have an easy assignment". 5. Never say. "This looks like a easy assignment". 4. Don't expect nurses aids to do their job. 3. Don't expect doctors to believe any thing you tell them. 2. If you don't have enough time to do everything, take about 30 minutes to complain about it. 1. If it moves, rattles, shakes, falls down, or won't stay in place, tape it.

Why did the moron stare at frozen orange juice? Because it said 'concentrate.' Did you hear about the moron that got an AM radio? It took him a month to realize he could play it at night! What did the moron say when he put a quarter in the parking meter? Hey! Where is my gumball? Why did the moron tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills! How do you drown a moron? Put scratch-n-sniff stickers at the bottom of the pool! Why did the moron climb the glass wall? To see what was on the other side! Why can't morons dial 911? They can't find the 11 on the phone!

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that. After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice." Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she. I've got trouble with the wife again - she came into the bar looking for me and I as

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me up for that? Did I mention the video camera? Hurry up! This room rents by the hour! Can you please pass me the remote control? Do you accept Visa? ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ On second thought, let's turn off the lights. Do you get any premium movie channels? Try not to smear my make-up, will ya? But I just brushed my teeth . . . Smile, you're on Candid Camera! Did you know the ceiling needs painting? Did I remember to take my pill? But my cat always sleeps on that pillow . . . Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? You're almost as good as my ex! Now I know why he/she dumped you . . . What are you planning to make

Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Demi Moore had a baby! Gosh, you're lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth. Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts? I hope you're ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes. If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball. That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner? When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar. You don't need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment. This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy. Oops!

1.When you walk into the bathroom, shout loudly that you have explosive diarrhea. 2.When on the urinal (make sure someone is next to you), slowly turn your head toward their genital area then swiftly turn your head back and start laughing. 3.Put a mud, corn meal, crushed rotten eggs, animal (or fake) blood and marmite mixture into each one of the toilets. 4.When on the toilet, make loud grunting and straining noises, making sure the person in the stall next to you can hear, then drop a melon into the toilet and give a long relaxing sigh. 5.Repeat #4 only replace the dropping melon with an audio recording of an atomic bomb blast. 6.Take a bag of fake blood or ketchup, and while on the to

Excuse Notes from Parents ... These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by Nisheeth Parekh, University Texas Medical Branch @ Galveston... My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits. [words were crossed out in the ( )'s] Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's faul

Can you complete this sentence using two words which are anagrams of each other? Whilst driving his car at a reckless speed, the driver was distracted by his dog _______. Luckily, he managed to complete the _______ manoeuvre without crashing. Whilst driving his car at a reckless speed, the driver was distracted by his dog barking. Luckily, he managed to complete the braking manoeuvre without crashing.

I have a machine which has four cog wheels in constant mesh. The largest cog has 72 teeth and the others have 36, 25 and 15 respectively. How many revolutions must the largest cog make before each of the cogs is back in its starting position? 25 revolutions.