Going home on the bus one evening a man was whiling away the time by doing a crossword. Three more men got on the bus at the next stop, and as they passed, one said, "If it's any help to you, 7 Up is lemonade."

Do this on a calculator! So here's the story: a woman had 69 boobs which was too too too much. So she went to 51st street and the doctor took all the time he had and ate all the boobs and she became boobless! 69 boobs 222 much 51st street 6922251 X time 6922251 X 8 ate 6922251 =55378008 flip your calculator, and she became boobless!

A Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in our country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in six weeks." A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks." A British doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out looking for work in four weeks." The Canadian doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, "You guys are way behind. We took a woman with no brains, sent her to Michigan where she became Governor, and now half the state is ou

Knock-knock Who's there It's me. This is not a joke. It's me. This is not a joke. who? Grrrrrrrrrr...

"Go ask your mother." Really means.... "I am incapable of making a decision." "You know how bad my memory is." Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday." "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe." "Football is a man's game." Really means.... "Women are generally too smart to play it." "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt." "I do help

When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there. I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen. I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that th

"Judi, did you ever try marriage counseling?" Monika asked. "No," Judi snarled. "That stupid dickhead, shit-for-brains, moronic ex-husband of mind would have just told the counselor I was 'insensitive.'"

Try this on a friend: Every time you say something, tell the other to say the same thing and add "bait" at the end. Example: fish --> fish bait fish (fish bait) dolphin (dolphin bait) seal (seal bait) I master (I masturbate!)

A man goes into a pet store, plants a bomb, and as he leaves, calls out, "You have one minute to get out!" At that, a tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, "You BASTARD!"

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people Who remarked it was a shame the old man Was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, So they changed positions. Then, later, they passed some people who remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." So they then decided they'd both walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought They were stupid to walk when they had a Decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey. Now they passed some people Who shamed them by saying how awful to Put such a load on a poor donke

A man was entering a store when he noticed a sign out by the window saying that there was a contest. He decided to join and went to the counter, the clerk had left and the man saw a piece of paper on the counter. He picked it up, and said, Answers to the Contest: #1 is dog. #2 is Big Fat Sucker and #3 is Alaska. Host: Okay, you know the rules, for each question you get right, you get one submitting, there will also be a jackpot question, if you get right you will win $500.00 Man: OK, I'm ready Host: Okay, so what is the animal that flys and sucks the blood out of you? Man: A dog! Host: No, it's a vampire bat. Okay, next question, how did George W. Bush describe himself as? Man: A

One morning, Pete and Sally decided to go out for breakfast. The waitress at The Almond Tree told them that the special that morning was two eggs, tomatoes, mushrooms, hash browns and toast for $3.99. "That sounds good," said Sally, "but I don't want the eggs." "OK," said the waitress, "but I will then have to charge you $4.50." "Why?" asked Pete, "it doesn't make sense." "Because you will then in effect be ordering a la carte," the waitress replied. "Do you mean I'll have to pay for not taking the eggs?" Sally asked. "Yes," replied the waitress. "OK then, I'll take the special," says Sally. "How do you want your eggs done?" asked the waitress. "Raw and in the shell," Sally replied.