Father: "So you want to be my son-in-law, do you?" Boyfriend: "Not particularly, but since I want to marry your daughter, I haven't much choice!"

Two executives were talking in the executive washroom. "My wife says I don't display enough passion. Imagine the audacity! I think I'll send her a memo!"

Always keep several "get well" cards on the mantle. That way, if unexpected guests arrive they will think you have been sick and unable to clean.

The discovery that Bush's resting heart rate is 43 has led some observers to speculate that this is the first time we've had a president with a heart rate that matches his IQ.

A group of Texans are driving down the road, whooping it up, drinking beer and shooting off their guns when they get into an accident with busload of nuns and orphans, killing everyone. The Texans go straight to Hell. When they arrive the Devil is shocked to see that they are not in agony over the heat and he demands an explanation. "Well, sir, we're from Texas, and we're used to the heat," says one. This infuriates the Devil and he cranks the thermostat up to its highest setting. The lost souls all over hell start wailing. "I'll check on them in the morning and see how they like THIS." He snorts and disappears in a ball of fire. The next morning, the Devil shows up at the Texans' camp s

Asked by his teacher to compare three presidents Johnny thought for a moment and said: "Well, George Washington couldn't tell a lie. Richard Nixon couldn't tell the truth. And George W. Bush can't tell the difference."

3 sharks meet in the ocean. They talk about the people they recently have eaten. The first one says, "I swallowed the Ayatollah yesterday, but the guy had eaten so much garlic I still feel sick." The second shark says, "That's nothing pal! I swallowed Boris Yeltsin last week and the old guy had so much vodka in him that I'm still drunk." The third shark laughs and said, "You lucky guys! I swallowed George W. Bush 3 weeks ago and the guy has so much air in his head, I still can't dive!"

A man walks into Starbucks. Man: I want a cup of coffee. Blond Waitress: Sure that will be $1.00 The man pays for the coffee, the blond then goes and measures a cup of coffee and brings it to the man, she dumps it all onto his table. Man: I wanted a cup of coffee, not this!! Blond: You wanted a "cup" of coffee, if you wanted a cup you could of asked for one.

Chris and his friend Johnathan are standing outside of school one day. Johnathan finds Chris wearing his hair black and slicked down, with a purple stripe, with mascara and nail polish and a Korn t-shirt. Johnathan: So, Chris, what's with the new outfit? Chris: I'm Emo. Johnathan: You are not Emo. Chris: Yeah I am, my life has no meaning and I listen to Korn; I'm extremely Emo. Johnathan: Did you watch Family Guy last night? Chris: Yeah. Johnathan: ... Chris: ...OH! Guess I'm not Emo. Johnathan: Yup. Chris: Can I still listen to Korn? Johnathan: Sure.

Israel's economy is in a bad way, inflation is getting higher and immigrants are flooding in from all over the world. Problems, problems, problems, but what should they do? So the Knesset holds a special session to come up with a solution. After several hours of talk without progress, one member, Yitzhak, stands up and says, "Quiet everyone, I've got it, I've got the solution to all our problems. We'll declare war on the United States." Everyone starts shouting at once. "You're nuts! That's crazy!" "Hear me out!" says Yitzhak. "We declare war, we lose; the United States does what she always does when she defeats a country. She rebuilds everything; our highways, airports, shipping ports, s

Two five year-olds, one Jewish, the other Catholic, are playing in a sandpit. Sean says to David, "Our priest knows more about things than your rabbi!" To which David replies, "Of course he does, you tell him everything."

Three hunters, Chuck, Thomas and Mick, are on safari. Unfortunately they are captured by cannibals, who start getting the cooking pots ready. The cannibal chief tells them they can each have one last wish. "What's your last request?" he asks Chuck, an American. "I'd like a steak," he replies, so the cannibals kill a wildebeeste and serve Chuck with his steak. "What do you want?" the cannibal chief asks Thomas, a Londoner. "I'd like to smoke my cigar," which they let him do. Then the chief asks Mick, an Irishman, "What's your last wish?" "I want you to kick my bum." "Be serious," says the chief. "Please do it - you promised," says Mick. "OK," says the chief and delivers the requested kic