What does a dog do in your backyard that you don't want to step in? Dig a hole. If you step in the hole, you might twist your ankle!

The Godfather was dying. He summoned one of his godsons and said softly, "Mikey, before I go, I gotta ask one favor." "Yes, godfather, anything," said Mikey. "I worship you." The old man's eyes narrowed. "I want you to go to my bathroom and masturbate." The lad looked around uneasily. "I dunno, boss. That's kinda embarrassing." "Who raised you as if you were my own?" demanded the Godfather. "This one thing you can't do for me?" The young man realized his error and agreed to the request. When he returned, the old man said, "One more request?" "Sure, godfather, anything," said Mikey. "Do it again!" "What? I just did it," protested Mikey. "Who gave you money, clothes, girls, huh? And you

"I'm having trouble with this new hearing aid," said the man to his audiologist. "Really? Can you describe the symptoms?" "Sure. Homer is fat and yellow, Marge has blue hair..."

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad." A bit later, they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well." Then they see a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity ... one of the girls must be dying'."

A Blonde walks into an electronic store. A saleswoman goes up to him and introduces a washing machine. Saleswoman: Sir, this machine in gurantee to do half of all your laundry. Blonde: That's nice, I'll take two.

Bernie and Faye, a wealthy couple, are coming up to their ruby wedding anniversary and Faye has been thinking for some months about how they should celebrate. She comes to a decision. "Bernie," she says, "I'm going to book us a wonderful 6 weeks cruise. I know you don't like ships because you got sea sick last time, but trust me, this one will be perfect for us. It's called 'Pearl of the Sea,' an intimate seven-star luxury liner with everything kosher we could ever want to eat made available. Let's give it a go." Bernie certainly isn't pleased with Faye's decision, but who is he to argue - he could never win. So he says, "OK dear." On the day of the cruise, Bernie and Faye drive up to the

Doctor Simon is known throughout town as one of the best consultants on arthritis. He always has a waiting room full of people who need his advice and specialist treatment. One day, Betty, an elderly lady, slowly struggles into his waiting room. She is completely bent over and leans heavily on her walking stick. A chair is found for her. Eventually, her turn comes to go into Doctor Simon's office. 15 minutes later, to everyone's surprise, she comes briskly out of his room walking almost upright. She is holding her head high and has a smile on her face. A woman in the waiting room says to Betty, "It's unbelievable, a miracle even. You walk in bent in half and now you walk out erect. What a f

Nathan goes to see his doctor. After a lengthy examination the doctor sighs, and says, "I've some bad news for you, Nathan. You have an incurable cancer. I suggest you quickly put your affairs in order." Nathan is initially shocked, but then, being a calm, solid character, he composes himself and quietly leaves the doctor's office. His son Max is waiting for him. "Max," says Nathan, "we celebrate when things are good and we sometimes celebrate when things are not so good. In my case, Max, things aren't so good - I have cancer, so I suggest we go to my golf club for a few drinks." 4 or 5 glasses of whisky later, the two are feeling a little less sad. Then, after a few laughs and some more gl

Did you hear about the thieves that broke into the United Jewish Appeal offices? They got away with over a million dollars in pledges!

Maurice has a business appointment, and he arrives a little early. The receptionist points to a comfortable easy chair and asks him to be seated for a while. Maurice settles down, picks up a glossy magazine opens it, and tries to read. However, he finds that he cannot concentrate because he is distracted due to a rumpus coming from behind one of the doors leading off the reception area. Maurice goes over to the receptionist and asks, "What's going on in there?" She replies, "It's a partners' meeting." "But why are they shouting at each other?" Maurice asks. "It's a battle of wits," she replies. Maurice asks: "Who is in there?" and she answers, "Horowits, Lebowits, Rabbinowits and Abram

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My breasts are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied

Change the position of just one of the words below so that all the words are in an alphabetical sequence: llama phoenix hyena alligator beaver elephant tortoise antelope Antelope. Move it from the end to the beginning, the initial letters will then spell ALPHABET!