You're so dumb you invented water proof tea bags!

You're so fat, when you went outside wearing a yellow dress everybody called "TAXI"

You're so ugly, you can't even turn on a lightbulb!

You're so fat that everybody has to talk behind your back!

Yo mama so ugly, when she went to go rob a bank she didn't have to use no gun, she just reached her head over the counter and said put the money in the bag!!!!!

A man had just got his car stuck in a mudhole during a drive in the country and he needed help getting it out. So he walked until he found a farm and asked the farmer for help. The farmer agrees to help the guy out. So he takes a horse out of the stable and leads him to the car. The farmer then ties a harness around the horse and the other end to the car. The farmer yells, "Pull, Sandy!" The horse just stands there. The farmer yells, "Come on now, pull Twister!" The horse once again just stands there. Finally the farmer yells, "Ok dangit, PULL RANGER! You're just standing there!" Finally the horse springs forward and with all the strength he has he pulls the car out of the ditch and onto the

One day, I went to the shooting gallery at the fair, one with the smiling clowns. I aimed and fired. Imagine my reaction when the target started yelling obscenities and charged. "WOW! These fairs are really getting high-tech," I thought. Just to impress the girls watching, I held my ground and continued firing. Pretty soon, he lost all of his teeth, but he still kept coming. And that was some realistic blood! I aimed up at the forehead, and the target dropped like a rock. A security guard walked up to me and said, "How do you feel? You just killed a carnie, you sicko!" "Wow, real carnival people!" I said, "I gotta get some of those for my shotgun at home! Carnies are cheaper than paper tar

A city mouse had a country mouse stay for the weekend, and spent the whole time offering urban advice. On the last evening of the country mouse's visit, they were dining in the kitchen when in came the largest cat the country mouse had ever seen. "Don't panic," said the town mouse, "Leave this to me." Marching up to the cat she said, "Bow wow wow wow! The cat turned and ran from the room. "How did you do that?" asked the country mouse. "Like I told you," said the town mouse, "it pays to learn a second language."

There were three guys on the C.N. tower and the tour guide told them that if either one of them could throw their watches over the side and run down and catch it, they would win 1 million dollars. The first guy threw his watch over and when he got down, it was shattered into a million pieces. The same thing happened to the second guy. The third guy threw his watch over, went home and got a shower, had his dinner, and came back and caught his watch. The all wondered how he did it and he said, " I set it two hours slow"

The weather was very hot, so this man wanted desperately take a dive in the nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water. After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket, which laid on the sandy beach. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief. The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said, "You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds." "Impossible," said the embarrassed man, "You really know what I thin

One night Aggie says to George "Think I'll go to bingo the night George... when I'm gone you make sure the youngsters get in and go to bed" Now George and Aggie had thirteen kids the last time they counted. So when Aggie went off to bingo, George went out and made the youngsters come in and get to bed. For about three or four hours, one little boy kept crying and crying, so George takes off up with a split and hits the floor, the little boy cries harder and harder. George sputters out "What are you bawling about?" The little boy replies "I want to go to me own home."

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied... "My wife's first husband."