The teacher asks his students to spell the word "before". The first kid tries: "B-E-F-O-H-R." "No", says the teacher, "that's wrong!" Another kid: "B-E-E-F-O-R." "No, no," says the teacher. "Anybody else?" A little boy raises his hand: "B-E-F-O-R-E!" "Now, that's right!" beams the teacher. "Now, Washington, use this word 'before' in a sentence!" and the boy goes: "Two plus two BE FOUR!"

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat. The first kid said, "My dad is so scared that, when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed." "Oh, yeah? That's nothing," said the second kid. "My dad is so scared that, when my mom has to work the night shift, he goes next door to sleep with Mrs. Jones!"

Dogs... ...steal your food. ...eat all of your tennis balls. ...make you pick up their waste products. ...take all of your covers. ...eat out of the trash. ...beg. ...bark loudly at 1:00 in the morning. ...drink out of the toilet, while it still has poo in it. ...have accidents, on your floor. And you call you dog your BEST friend, I can't imagine what your other friends do.

A Welshman, walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hands. He shouts, "Paid a yfed y dwr mae'r gwartheg yn cachi yn y dwr!" (Don't drink the water, there's cow shit in it!) The man shouts back, "I'm English, I don't understand you!" The Welshman calls back, "Use both hands, you'll get more in!"

Racing through the snow a onewarde southern sleigh, all the way we go bahing through the trees, the snow is turning red, I think i'm almost dead, all the children laugh and play around my stupid head!

ALWAYS must WIN. BORROW but never RETURN. CHEAP is GOOD. DON'T TRUST anyone. EVERYTHING also must GRAB. FREE! FREE! FREE!!! GRAB first TALK later. HELP yourself to EVERYTHING. i FIRST, i WANT, i EVERTHING. JUMP queue. KEEP coming back for MORE. LOOK for DISCOUNTS. MUST not lose FACE. NEVER mind what they THINK. OUTDO everyone you know! PAY only when NECESSARY. QUIT while you're ahead. RUSHING and PUSHING wins the RACE. SAMPLES are always WELCOME. TAKE but don't GIVE. UNLESS it's FREE, FORGET it. VOW to be NUMBER ONE. WINNERS takes it ALL! ALL!! ALL!!! X'TRA = MORE YELL if necessary to GET what you WANT! ZEBRAS are KIASU before they want to be BLACK AND WHITE at the same time. Are one of th

Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball, suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women. He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says. He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either." She says, also not recognizing the unit. He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. "Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."

Is One Foot Enough??? A girl in the U.S. lived very far away from her mother. One day, the girl became engaged but discovered her fiance had only one foot. The girl, surprised sent her mother a letter asking for advice. The letter began, "Mother, my husband has only one foot..." The mother upon receiving the letter was confused on why that was a problem. She immediately wrote back to her daughter saying, "Dear, one foot is enough. your father has only 7 inches!!!"

Once upon a time, there was a man holding a magical lamp, he went to a bar where he then got a drink. The bartender sees him and asks him to chat, the man says,"I have a magical lamp rite here!" The bartender says," Wow, does this mean I can wish for a million bucks." The man goes, "Yes!" Bartender goes:" I wish for a million bucks!" POOF! The air is filled with 1 million ducks. The bartender outraged says," Hey you cheated me!" The man goes, "Hey it ain't that easy!" *Sorry, Did my best

* Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pay with two $16 bills. * The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits. * A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis. By the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain. * A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C. A few days later he went with his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch he went out for a sandwich. His girlfriend needed him, so she had him paged by the bailiff. Police offic

#include #include #include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */ #include /* For the court of law */ #define say(x) lie(x) #define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE #define next_year soon #define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version void main() { if (latest_window_version>one_month_old) { if (there_are_still_bugs) market(bugfix); if (sales_drop_below_certain_point) raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION); } while(everyone_chats_about_new_version) { make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in lie.h */ if (rumours_grow_wilder) make_false

A blonde named Megan decides to go out for a ride in her new convertible. While she's out driving she sees her best friend Christina, another blonde. She has a sign that reads "Vegas or Bust." "Why are you leaving?" asked Megan. "Some guy came up to me and told me to get out of town." "Come with me. We'll go find the guy that said this and find out what's up." Christina got in the car and they drove until Christina said she saw the guy who told her to leave town. As they approached him, he looked at Christina and said, "I remember you." She cowered behind Megan. "You forgot your flier." He handed her a flier that read "Get Outta Town! To Sunny Beach Resorts California!"