Top Jokes
When my oldest child was about three years old, we took a trip to a local fast food restaurant. I wearing my new favorite article of clothing: a pair of bright pink, elastic waist pants that I'd bought the day before. Although they were a little big on me, I instantly fell I love with them and just had to buy them. So there we were in a popular restaurant with me in my pretty pink pants and my son clinging firmly to his mommy's leg while we looked for a place to sit. It seems that grace does not run in our family, because before we were able to sit down, my son tripped and fell, taking my new pants with him! I could hear the laughter simmering as I stood there bare bottomed, with my hands fu
A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks. As he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.
He picks it up and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says, "What's this?"
She says, "Oh, that. My father's ashes are in there..."
He turns beet red in embarrassment for having brought up such a tender subject and says, "Geez, oh, er...I..."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
A couple preparing for a religious conversion meets with the orthodox rabbi for their final session.
The rabbi asks if they have any final questions.
The man asks, "Is it true that men and women don't dance together?"
"Yes," says the rabbi, "For modesty reasons, men and women dance separately."
"So I can't dance with my own wife?"
"No."
"Well, okay," says the man, "but what about sex?"
"Fine," says the rabbi. "A mitzvah within the marriage!"
"What about different positions?" the man asks.
"No problem," says the rabbi.
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Why not?" replies the rabbi.
"How about doggie-style?"
"Of course!"
"Well, what about standing up?"
"NO!" says the rabbi, "It coul
An old Jewish man is talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operator, giff me beck the party!"
She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over again."
He says, "What do you want from my life? Giff me beck da party."
She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again."
He says, "Operator, ya know vat? Take da telephone and shove it you-know-vere!" And he hangs up.
Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys standing there who say, "We've come to take your telephone out."
He says, "Vy?"
They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago, but if you'd like to call up and apologize,
* Perfume saleslady to customer: "Just a word of advice. Don't put this stuff on if you're not really serious about the guy."
* Contrary to popular belief, used-car salesmen are fairly honest with their customers. It's usually a condition of their parole.
* A really great salesman is one who can actually make his wife feel sorry for the girl who lost her panties and bra in his car.
* Only a salesman can make a customer think he is really absorbed by a customer's needs and at the same time calculate how much of a commission he can make out of the deal.
A woman called an auto parts store and asked for a 28-ounce water pump.
"What?" asked the confused parts guy.
She said, "My husband says he needs a 28-ounce water pump."
"A 28-ounce water pump? What kind of car does it fit?" asked the parts guy.
"A Datsun," replied the woman.
As the parts guy wrote down her request, a light went on in his head.
"Oh, yes, ma'am. We've got 28-ounce water pumps," he said. "We also have 24-ounce and 26-ounce pumps." "Finally," she said. "You're the first place I've called that knew what I was talking about."
"Yes ma'am," said parts guy, smiling, as he jotted down "Datsun 280Z water pump..."
Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.
I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.
Well, bring me the winner then.
Look here, waiter! How long must I wait for that half-duck I ordered?
Until somebody orders the other half. We can't go out and kill half a duck.
Customer: I see you have gravy on your menu today.
Waiter: Yes, sir. What would you like to have?
Customer: A clean menu!
Mother: Did you eat all the cookies. Tom?
Tom: I didn't touch one.
Mother: That's strange. There's only one left.
Tom: That's the one I didn't touch.
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