"Hey Sean, I've got a job lined up for you, can you turn up tomorrow, about tenish?" "Tennish? I don't even have a racket"

A young Alabama man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmacist: "I got a hot date tonight, an' I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a' them thar rubbers gonna cost me?" The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax." "TACKS!" the shocked redneck says. "Gawd a' mighty, don't they stay on by themselves?

Just after Creation the Lord noticed that the original male-female pair of snakes were not reproducing. He summoned them and said, "I thought I told everyone to go forth and multiply?" The snakes replied, "Yes Lord, but we cannot." The Lord was annoyed and thundered, "and why not?" to which the snakes answered, "You see, Lord, you made us Adders." We could have stopped here (small groan), but actually the Lord got real sore and threatened, "I don't give a shit, just go forth and multiply!" A week later when the Lord visited, Lo! - was he pleased. Adders here, adders there, adders everywhere. He called for the original pair. "Congratulations," he said, and then not without some bafflement i

You might remember Zeno's paradox, but in case you don't here it is again. Zeno argued that motion is an illusion. Now, by motion he meant movement, and not the rude kind that involves bowels but the Newtonian kind. He did this by the Achilles (A) and the Tortoise (T) parable. For argument's sake, say A runs 10 times faster than T can crawl. Then let T be placed 10 meters ahead of A at the start of a race. When A has moved 10 meters, T has moved 1 meter, so T is now still 1 meter ahead of A. Then when A has covered that 1 meter, T has gone 1/10 meter ahead. Etc. So, A will never ever pass T. Poor Zeno, it was reported that he found this logic so persuasive that he did not bother to move agai

Susan (女，抱着孩子) Vic (调侃) Vic: Finger the baby's ass, if he kicks, he'll be a sorcer, if he screams, he'll be a singer, if he laughs, he'll be a homo. Susan:(笑，然后问)What about a girl? Vic: We finger them when they over 18. ...... 爆笑....

Shakespeare: If you love someone, Set her free .... If she ever comes back, she's yours, If she doesn't, here's the poison, suicide yourself for her. Optimist: If you love someone, Set her free .... Don't worry, she will come back. Suspicious: If you love someone, Set her free .... If she ever comes back, ask her why. Impatient: If you love someone, Set her free .... If she doesn't comes back within some time forget her. Patient: Ig you love someone, Set her free .... If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back. Playful: If you love someone, Set her free .... *If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat* C++ Programmer: if(you-love(m_she

Let's test your IQ............. 1. man ----------- board Ans. man overboard 2. stand ----------- i I understand ok?....get the drift? Let's try a few now & see how you fare. 3. /r/e/a/d/i/n/g/ Reading between the lines 4. r road a d Crossroad 5. cycle cycle cycle Tricycle 6. t

One day I gonna to Malta to a big hotel, in the morning I go down to eat a breakfast. I tell the waitress that I want two pieces of toast. She brings me only one piece. I tell her "I wanna two pieces". She say "Go to the toilet". I say "you don't understand, I wanna two pieces on my plate". She say to me, "you better not piss on the plate, you sonnawabitch". I do not even know this lady and she call me a sonnawabitch!! Later I go to eat at a bigger restaurant. The waiter brings me a Spoon and a knief but no fock. I tell her "I wanna a fock" and she tella me : "everyone wanna fuck". I tella her " you don't understand me...I wanna fock on the table". She say : "you better not fuck on the tab

1. Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain) was born on and died on days when Halley's Comet can be seen. During his life he predicted that he would die when it could be seen. 2. US Dollar bills are made out of cotton and linen. 3. The "57″ on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of pickle types the company once had. 4. Americans are responsible for about 1/5 of the world's garbage annually. On average, that's 3 pounds a day per person. 5. Giraffes and rats can last longer without water than camels. 6. Your stomach produces a new layer of mucus every two weeks so that it doesn't digest itself. 7. Ninety-eight percent of all murders and rapes are by a close family member or friend of the

51. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos. 52. The numbers "172″ can be found on the back of the US 5 dollar bill, in the bushes at the base of the Lincoln Memorial. 53. Coconuts kill about 150 people each year. That's more than sharks. 54. Half of all bank robberies take place on a Friday. 55. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was never a recorded Wendy before it. 56. The international telephone dialing code for Antarctica is 672. 57. The first bomb the Allies dropped on Berlin in WWII killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo. 58. The average raindrop falls at 7 miles per hour. 59. It took Leonardo Da Vinci 10 years to paint Mona Lisa. He never

101. About 14% of injecting drug users are HIV positive. 102. A word or sentence that is the same front and back (racecar, kayak) is called a "palindrome". 103. A snail can sleep for 3 years. 104. People photocopying their buttocks are the cause of 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide. 105. China has more English speakers than the United States. 106. Finnish folklore says that when Santa comes to Finland to deliver gifts, he leaves his sleigh behind and rides on a goat named Ukko instead. According to French tradition, Santa Claus has a brother named Bells Nichols, who visits homes on New Year's Eve after everyone is asleep, and if a plate is set out for him, he fills it with cookies

151. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out. 152. Half of all crimes are committed by people under the age of 18. 80% of burglaries are committed by people aged 13-21. 153. An ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. 154. All polar bears are left-handed. 155. The catfish has over 27000 taste buds (more than any other animal) 156. A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. 157. Butterflies taste with their feet. 158. Elephants are the only mammals that cannot jump. 159. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. 160. Starfish have no brains. 161. 11% of the world is left-handed. 162. John Hancock and Charles Thomson were the only