Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16 year old students! (Don't laugh too hard - one of these may be the president some day.) Name the four seasons. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. How is dew formed? The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. What is a planet? A body of earth surrounded by sky. What causes the tides in the oceans? The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no

How do you know that the toothbrush was invented by a redneck? If it was invented by anyone else they would have called it a "teethbrush".

The Atlanta School Board, feeling left out by the fuss over "Ebonics," has decided to designate Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary: Hire yew - noun. Greeting - How are you - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: "Howdy. How are you." Bard - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck." Jawjuh - noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Atlanta. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck." Munts - noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munt

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering. "What's the matter, Mr. President?" the Vice President inquired. "Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" the President beamed. "How long did it take you?" "Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier. A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened. "Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash!'" "He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'George W. Bush is a moroni

Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. St. Peter was giving her a tour of Heaven when she noticed that there were dozens of clocks on the wall. Each clock displayed a different time of day. When she asked St. Peter about the clocks, he replied, "We have a clock for each person on earth and every time they tell a lie the hands move. The clock ticks off one second each time a lie is told." Special attention was given to two clocks. The clock belonging to Mother Teresa has never moved, indicating that she never told a lie. The clock for Abraham Lincoln has only moved twice. He only told two lies in his life. Hillary asked "Where is Bill's clock?" St. Peter replied,"Jesus has it in his offic

1. Britney Spears & Eminem who, combined, have written more books than they've read. 2. Dr. Phil McGraw who has managed to convince millions of women to buy his self-help books, despite the fact that his most hight-profile patient, Oprah Winfrey, is an overweight woman with serious commitment issues. 3. America's Oil Companies for a lifetime body of work proving that oil and water don't mix. 4. Yasser Arafat & Ariel Sharon for those 2 consecutive days last March when no Israelis or Palestinians killed each other. 5. Bill Gates for creating the X-Box and convincing Americans that their children need a $200 video game system during a recession. 6. The Editors of Maxim for man

W a t e r 1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated. (Likely applies to half the world population.) 2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger. 3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%. 4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a U-Washington study. 5. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue. 6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers. 7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and diff

1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and let your passenger order. 2. Ask the price of almost everything on the menu and then order something that you didn't ask the price for. 3. Tell the employee that your window is broken. Order and then pay with your door open. When the food comes, roll down the window and snatch your order from their hands. 4. Go to McDonald's and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight. 5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels. 6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you're in. 7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window-shopping and drive on. 8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you wo

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations. 2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store. 3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day. 4. Start playing football -- see how many people you can get to join in. 5. Try on bras over top of your clothes. 6. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms. 7. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "Sex and Candy." 8. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares." and see what happens. 9. Tune all the radios to a polka

1. Only in America . . . can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America . . . are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in America . . . do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in America . . . do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke. 5. Only in America . . . do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America . . . do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in America .

A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to fill in the rest. Here's what the kids came up with: Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader. Strike while the... bug is close. It's always darkest before... daylight savings time. Never underestimate the power of... termites. You can lead a horse to water but... how? Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty. No news is... impossible. A miss is as good as a... Mr. You can't teach an old dog... math. If you lie down with dogs, you... will stink in the morning. Love all, trust... me. The pen is mightier than... the pigs. An idle mind is... the b