Carlos Mencia orginally said this but it's still true... What's makes life beautiful is the essence of the fact that it can go away - so you don't wanna live like that. You don't wanna be the person, do you, that had a fight. An inconsequential, insignificant, stupid, fight with your spouse about who was supposed to open or close the window, or turn off the light at that bedtime, so you did it but you were pissed and you stayed pissed with you wife. Not cuz it was real, but hell, we'll make up later and nothing better than make up sex, is there? And in the morning you woke up and things were still bad. But you kept that cuz, hey, I'm gonna come back and we're gonna do it - and then wha

Person A: Why did the chicken cross the road? Person B: Is this a trick question?

1. Why are little children sweet-tooths? They keep crying when they can't have candy. 2. Why are little children kindergarteners? Um... they're still learning basic skills, are they not? 3. Why are little children such blanket-connected people? They have read too many Peanut strips and can't resist but be Linus. 4. Why are little children people who like to joke around? They hear their dad's joke with them too often.

Sign outside a watch-maker's shop; Watch batteries fitted.

Sign outside a Chinese restaurant: Try our curries, you'll never get better.

A blonde is taking an interview, and the examiner is asking some general questions. "What is the boiling temperature of water?" "I am not sure." "Miss, either you know it or you don't know it." "No, I am still not sure." "The boiling temperature of water is 100 degrees!" "Ok, so it's the right angle that boils at 90 degrees?"

"I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'" "I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'" "I saw a guy at a party wearing a leather jacket and I thought, 'That is cool.' But then I saw another guy wearing a leather vest and I thought, 'That is not cool'. Then I figur

"Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. I gotta go by the outfit. Pants - uh oh. Bathing suit - okay. Naked - we'll see. Should I be swimming faster, or am I getting laid?" "Saying 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral." "They say that you can tell man apart from other animals by his ability to reason. I think you could also go by last names. What's his name? Patches? Patches what? That's a dog. Don't waste my time." "Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ballgown." "One of my friend

"I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?!?' 'B-batteries, DANG IT!!!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'" "A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. 'Dude make a left.' 'Those are trees...' 'Trust me.' "I like the beach. I like to get there really early before everyone else shows up and take like thirty bottles with notes in them and throw them into the water. Then I wait for everyone to come to the beach and when someone go

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters. It was my friend's birthday and I was mad at him, so I sent him a card. It said happy birthday, but I put quotes around the word "Happy"... sarcastic birthday, douchebag. I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then Í said, "Does he bite?" She said "No," and I said, "Oh yeah? Then how does he eat? ... Liar." I think it would be cool, if you were writing a ransom note in Microsoft Word, and it popped up, the

# "Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something. You can be a genius, but when you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: 'This city's got big building I like food bye..'" # "I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin." # "You ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither." # "My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant.'" # "It's good to be back in New York. I have lived here ten years. I'm originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana: Mafia. But the fact of the matter is where I grew up there was something very simila

I found this attached to a halloween scythe: BE SURE HEAD IS ATTACHED BEFORE USE.