If you can touch it and you can see it, it's REAL. If you can touch it but you can't see it, it's TRANSPARENT. If you can't touch it but you can see it, it's VIRTUAL. If you can't touch it and you can't see it, it's GONE.

"Hey, you! Pull over!" shouted the traffic cop. The lady complied, and the judge next day fined her twenty-five dollars for speeding. She went home in great anxiety lest her husband, who always examined her checkbook, should learn of the incident. Then inspiration struck and she marked the check stub, "One pullover, $25."

One day, a blond put an advert in the library to start a marching band. 20 other blonds saw this advert and signed up. At their first destination they played "Oh, when the saints". At their second destination they played the same song. At their third destination they played the same song yet again! When they arrived at their fourth destination a member of the crowd butted in and kicked one of the drummers. The blond that started the group said, "Why did you do that?" The guy replied "Well, you've killed all of the people in the world because your band is rubbish but loud, so pretty much all the people are saints and they're marching into heaven, so stop playing!" The blond replied "We wer

Bubba listened to the preacher at the revival and when the preacher asked those with needs to come forward for prayer, Bubba got in line. When it was his turn, the preacher asked, "What do you want me to pray about?" Bubba said, "Pray for my hearing, preacher." The preacher put one hand over Bubba's ear and his other hand on top of Bubba's head and prayed a while. Then he removed his hands and asked, "Bubba, now how is your hearing?" Bubba answered, "I don't know, preacher. It's next Wednesday at the Baton Rouge courthouse!"

Some useless inventions: 1) A waterproof teabag 2) A swimsuit store in the North Pole 3) Sugar free, fat free, taste free chocolate 4) A parachute that opens on impact 5) An ejector seat in a helicopter

The following are real excerpts from Help Desk logs at real corporations. Or are they? 1. Help Desk: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one... 2. Help Desk: And now hit F8. Customer: It's not working. Help Desk: What did you do, exactly? Customer: I hit the 'F' key 8 times as you told me, but nothing's happening... 3. Hi, good afternoon, this is Elaine. I can't print. Every time I try, it says, 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it... 4. Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out. Help Desk: Have you tried pushing the button? Customer: Yes, sure, it's rea

Yo momma is like the internet; she's worldwide.

Little Johnny's 2nd grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet. "Johnny," she says, "what comes after 'O'?" Johnny says, "Yeah!"

The relatives of the family's rich dowager gathered for the reading of her will after her long-awaited death. "Being of sound mind," read the lawyer, "I spent every last cent before I died."

News just in - the drummer tripped over the cymbals, and hit his head. The hospital spokesperson said, "He'll be all right in a couple of days; he's just suffering from percussion."

The university's gymnasium hallway displayed basketball team pictures from the past forty years. In every photo, one player, sitting front row center, held a basketball identifying the year of the team: 94-95, 95-96, 96-97, 97-98, etc. One day, a senior on the basketball team noticed a cute, blonde freshman cheerleader staring curiously at the photos. The senior, hoping to score a few points off the court, commented about the team's history. Impressed, the cute, blonde freshman cheerleader said: "Isn't it amazing how the teams always won by just one point?"

One night a couple was in their room and the woman had just performed amazing oral on her man. He asked her where she had learned how to do it like that. She than said to him, "It took some practice but your dad finally taught me how to do it right."