1. And your crybaby whiny opinion would be...? 2. Do I look like a people person? 3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. 5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. 6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 7. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 8. You!... Off my planet! 9. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats. 10. Does your train of thought have a caboose? 11. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 12. A PBS mind in an MTV world. 13. Allow me to introduce my selves. 14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 15. Suburbia: where they tear

·In several places on your tax forms, he's written, "Give or take a million dollars." ·Tells you to put all your money into British cattle futures. ·You notice that his "calculator" is just a broken VCR remote. ·Insists that there's no such number as four. ·He laughed at the Bob Dole background check. ·Counts family of squirrels living in your yard as dependents. ·Advises you to save postage by filing your taxes telepathically. ·Instead of C.P.A. license, he's got a framed photo of a shirtless Alex Trebek. ·Demands that you call him the "Una-Countant." ·He's got a 1040 Form tattooed on his arm.

For year's years they told me, "Be careful of your breasts. Don't ever squeeze or bruise them, And give them monthly tests." So I heeded all their warnings And protected them by law... Guarded them very carefully, And always wore a bra. After 30 years of careful care, The Doctor found a lump, He ordered up a Mammogram To look inside that clump. "Stand up very close," she said, as she got my tit in line, "And tell me when it hurts," she said, Ah yes!There! Thats just fine." She stepped upon a pedal... I could not believe my eyes! A plastic plate was pressing down... My Boob was in a vice!! My skin was stretched'n stretched From way up by my chin, And my poor tit was

Number of physicians in the US = 700,000 Accidental deaths caused by physicians/year =120,000. Accidental deaths/physician = 0.171 Number of gun owners in US = 80,000,000 Number of accidental gun deaths/year = 1500 Accidental deaths/gun owner =.0000188 Conclusion - Doctors are approximately 9000 times more dangerous than gun owners!

Bar Translations 1. "YOU GET THIS ONE, NEXT ROUND IS ON ME." (We won't be here long enough to get another round.) 2. "I'LL GET THIS ONE, NEXT ONE IS ON YOU." (Happy hour is about to end...drafts are now a dollar,but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.) 3. "HEY, WHERE IS THAT FRIEND OF YOURS?" (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.) 4. "CAN I GET A GLASS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL." (FEMALE) (I'm easy.) 5. "CAN I GET A GLASS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL." (MALE) (I'm gay.) 6. "EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (MALE TO FEMALE) (I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.) 7. "EVER T

BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES...THEY COULD COME IN HANDY A repeat offender got a life sentence for a small-time shoplifting caper in Jupiter, Florida. The man stole $49.73 worth of boxer shorts, panties, a sports bra and some cigarette lighters from a Wal-Mart store. His fatal mistake was flashing a knife at a security guard - which turned his petty theft into a felony. Since the man had been released from prison less than three years ago, Florida's repeat offender law required the judge to send him away for life without the possibility of parole. INSULT TO INJURY An unemployed sanitation worker in Miami is also facing life in prison - for shooting himself in the privates. In a drunken

Major Scandal during their presidency.... Nixon: Watergate Clinton: Waterbed The President's biggest fear.... Nixon: The Cold War Clinton: The Cold Sore Complaints toward the President..... Nixon: Carpet-Bombing Clinton: Carpet-Burns Their Vice-Presidents... Nixon: His was Greek Clinton: His is a Geek. Presidential qualities..... Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger. Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her. Things the President couldn't explain.... Nixon: The missing 18-minutes on the tapes Clinton: The 36D bra in his briefcase Job titles.... Nixon: Ex-President Clinton: Sex-President Slogans.... Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One" Clinton: Known for women pointi

One day, a reporter for a suburban newspaper happened upon a construction site with a sign that ominously warned: "DANGER. RADIOACTIVE MATERIALS." Driven by the prospect of a hard-hitting expose, he made a quick call to his editor, then returned to the scene to investigate. The construction supervisor looked unhappy to see him; "I'll tell you the truth," he said, "but I'm going to ask you not to publish what I say." "This is just like the movies," he thought. The supervisor continued, "There's nothing radioactive on this site. That sign has been the only way to keep our lumber from being stolen."

You Know You've Been Drinking Way Too Much Coffee When... Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. Your so jittery that people use your hands to shake paint cans. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down. Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp. When you call radio talk shows, they ask you to turn yourself down. Your life goal is to amount to a hi

You might be a teacher if you have an overwhelming urge to nod and say, "Now I understand why your kid is the way he/she is," after meeting the parents.

Why was the moron hitting his head against the wall? Because it felt so good when he stopped ! What do you call 12 morons at the bottom of a pool? An air pocket! Why did the moron drive his truck off the bridge? He wanted to check his airbrakes! How many morons does it take to screw in a light bulb? 3...one to hold the bulb, and 2 to turn the chair! Why did the moron open the refrigerator door? He wanted to see the salad dressing! How do you confuse a moron? Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner!

How are a bowling ball and a sorority girl alike? You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in the gutter and they'll always come back.