Top Jokes
There was a boy who never, ever lied. He always told people the truth and/or his opinion. Like when he broke a glass vase, he said that he broke it. He was rewarded a few days later for telling the truth, even though he was grounded.
One day a lady asked him, "What do you think of my dress? It cost me thousands of dollars."
The boy replied, "That is the most stupid dress I have ever seen in my life, and will haunt me in my afterlife! It's more terrible than a fifty-year old swine that was drowned in mud when it was three! I think you should go back to the garbage disposal and feed it to a goat!" He said all that truthfully.
After he said that, the lady called 911 and he went to juvenile h
One day, a customer walked into a pet shop and told the clerk, "I need two small, gray mice and about five dozen roaches." Puzzled, the shop attendant asked the reason for this strange request.
"Well, I'm moving out of my apartment and my lease told me that I must leave the premises in exactly the same condition I found them."
There was a magical mirror that showed the prettiest and ugliest people in the world. The mirror said that May Honzirop was the prettiest and the ugliest was Shakira Hobo. May was going to go in front of millions of people to get a Guinness world record.
The mirror said, the day before May went on stage, "I think you'll brag about all your "success" and just become unpopular again."
May replied, "SHUT UP, YOU STUPID MIRROR! I WILL THROW YOU AWAY AFTER I'M DONE!"
It was the next day. She was on stage with Shakira Hobo. She announced, "Now the mirror will choose the prettiest and the ugliest people."
The mirror was still upset, but decided to answer anyway.
The mirror announced to about 2
John always bullied Pat, so Pat invited him to the meat factory. The next day, on the menu at McDonalds, there was a new thing called: Bully Big Mac, and John french fries.
One day Little Susie got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny.
Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was.
Johnny's face grew serious and he said, "You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"
Three gay guys where swiming in a pool, some white stuff floats to the top, and one of the gay guys screams, "Alright, who farted!"
Four blondes are shipwrecked on an island. They meet a wizard who is very bored and gives them each one wish.
The first one is too stupid to listen to the wizard and she swims away and drowns.
The second one says, "I wish I was 10 times as smart as I am now," and she makes a wooden raft and floats away.
The third one says, "I wish I was 100 times smarter than I am now," and she builds a rowboat and rows to the mainland.
The last one says, "I wish I was a 100,000,000,000,000 times smarter than those three combined," and she turns into a man and walks acrosss the bridge.
A New Yorker, a redneck and a Mexican go in to the bathroom, and start to wash. The Mexican and the New Yorker start to wash their hands.
The Mexican says, "At my school they taught me to use a paper towel to dry your hands, so they get dry."
The New Yorker says, "My teacher told me to use the dryers, so we save trees."
At that time, the red neck finishes his 'business', and right before opening the bathroom door, the Mexican said, "Gross, man, you did not wash your hands!"
The redneck says, "Well, my teacher taught me to not piss on my hands."
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