People who want to inform you of their religious views almost never want to hear yours.

Covina, Calif: I recall reading something years ago about the Pledge of Allegiance. Some child thought it began, "I led the pigeons to the flag." Cleveland, Ohio: When I was little, I often wondered who Richard Stands was. You know - "I pledge allegiance to the flag and to the Republic for Richard Stands."

Anybody can win. Unless, of course, there happens to be a second entry.

Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.

A person soon learns how little he knows when a child begins to ask questions.

A business man in Chicago had occasion to write a Japanese friend in Tokyo. Mindful of the Oriental's appreciation of flowery language and of his own duty to the cause of good public relations, he ended his letter with the wish, "May Heaven preserve you always." To the delight of the business man's office staff, the Japanese responded with, "May Heaven pickle you, too."

The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.

1. All of you, stand in a straight circle. 2. I have two daughters, and both are girls! 3. Both the three of you get out of the class. 4. I saw you with my wife.....in the theatre. 5. Open the windows let the Airforce come in. 6. Boys go to the right, girls to the left. The rest follow me. 7. How dare you look at the monkey outside the window when I'm sitting here!

All things are possible - except skiing through a revolving door.

A man woke up in the morning to see that the whole house was all messy. Clothes were all over the room. Coffee beans were spilled on the kitchen floor. Even the house was teepeed with toilet paper. Back in the living room, a note read: Dear Honey, I have gone shopping for a little while. Sorry if I left the house a little messy. I don't know when I'll be back. After reading the note, he calls her. "Where are the couch, TV, and coffee machine?" "Uhh, that's a funny story." She hangs up, and their 23-year old son walks in. "Austin! Where is my wife?" "Oh, that. You drank like crazy and fell asleep. When she was pulling you back to bed, you woke up, punched her, spun her around in the

How can you tell if a redneck is married? There are tobacco stains on both sides of his pickup.

All members of Mensa have I.Q.s of at least 140. At one Mensa convention, several members at a local cafe noticed the shaker with an S on top, for salt, contained pepper and their pepper shaker, with a P on top, was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling anything and using only the implements at hand? Clearly, here was the marvellous Mensa mystery! They presented ideas, debated them, and finally came up with what they felt was a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the blonde waitress over to dazzle her with their solution. "Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains s