Do not try to guess your wife's size. Just buy her anything marked "petite" and hold on to the receipt.

Knowledge cannot enter the head via an open mouth.

Astronomy is looking up.

Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to fine art.

Join the fight against brutality.

Helen Waite is our credit manager. If you want credit, go to Helen Waite.

Why isn't there a tax on stuff I DON'T like?

One day at a school for the deaf (hearing impaired), they decide to have one of the students lead a pep rally for the football team. Here's how it went. Rally leader: What are we gonna do? Ralliers: Defeat them! RL: I can't hear you! R: Defeat them! RL: I can't hear you! R: Defeat them! RL: I can't hear you! R: Defeat them! RL: I can't hear you!

I was at a party and the host was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments. She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn't know how to tell which ones were the crashers. Then her husband got an idea.... He turned to the crowd of guests and said, "Will those who are from the bride's side of the family stand up please?" About twenty people stood. Then he asked, "Will those who are from the groom's side of the family stand up as well?" About twenty five people stood up. Then he smiled and said, "Will all those who stood please leave, this is a birthday party."

One day, two children are bickering on the playground. Kid 1: My mom says that kids who get whatever they want are spoiled and rotten and stuck-up. Kid 2: Well, I'm not spoiled. Kid 1: Yeah, you are, you get everything you want. Kid 2: I don't get everything I want. Kid 1: Yeah, you do. Kid 2: No, I don't, because I "want" you to shut-up!

Into town I drove my tank, I was gonna rob a bank. My money was running really low, As I got near I shouted "bank ho!" Drove a hole right through the wall, Found I was in a shoppin' mall. I 'poligized'n left through the hole. I was definitely not on a roll. I snuck a look at my GPS™ Blew up a truck labeled HESS™. Then I proceeded towards the bank; Oh how dearly I love my tank. Headed towards the Eastern wall, Ran a kid over, like a doll. With a push and a heave, the wall broke. The button "fire" I got ready to poke. Oh so fun to rob a bank; 'cept my hair was pretty lank. Wouldn't believe how hot it was there, Humidity is bad for your hair. Shot down the security, Their defense wa

As a shepherd you herd your sheep into your barn. As you walk away you hear two wolves in the barn. What do you do? I would get the flock out of there!