A man applied for a job as an industrial spy. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor. As soon as the man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the envelope. Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor Personnel Office."

I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs. Sam Goldwyn.

After Receiving an Invitation to an Inventors' Ball: Edison thought it would be an illuminating experience. Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam. Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco. Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight. Morse's reply: "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now must dash."

Psychiatrist to his nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'"

What does the dentist of the year get? ..A little plaque.

How do you know policemen are strong? Because they can hold up traffic. What do termites eat for breakfast? Oakmeal. What do massage therapists eat for dinner? Spa-ghetti. Why were the suspenders arrested? For holding up a pair of pants. How does the queen bee get around her hive? She's throne. What do bees do if they don't want to drive? Wait at the buzz stop. Two fish were in a tank. One said to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?" What's the friendliest school? Hi school. What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard. (It's good for a hot dog.)

There was a little boy by the name of Billy. Billy was an ordinary little boy who did ordinary little boy things, like playing, eating, bathing, destroying things, and going to school. One day, when Billy went down to the bus stop to meet the bus to go to school, he found all of his friends huddled around in a little group, talking about the Purple Wombat. Being a little boy, Billy was curious. So he asked them, "What's the Purple Wombat?" "You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the children exclaimed disgustedly. For the rest of the morning, they would not go near Billy, always standing far away and staring at him. Then the bus came. Billy, confused, got on the bus along with the rest

Frank was getting ready to go on a trip to New York for the first time, and was talking to his friend Bill. Bill: "While you are in New York, there is a bar that you have to go to. When you walk through the front door, you are handed a free drink. Then you can go to the back room and get laid. Come back up to the bar, and you get another free drink. Then you can get laid again. It goes on like this all night." Frank: "That sounds unbelievable. Have you really been there?" Bill: "No, but my sister has."

Q. How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. None. It's all right. I'll just sit here in the dark. Don't worry about me...

Harry was in the hospital. He was an old man, and from time to time the young nurse would come in and say in a patronising tone, "And how are we doing this morning?" Well, this is a story of revenge. Harry had received breakfast, and had taken the juice off the tray, putting it on his stand. Now, he had been given a urine bottle to fill - the juice was apple juice; you know where the juice went. The nurse came in, picked up the urine bottle and said, "It seems we are a little cloudy today..." At this, Harry snatched the bottle out of her hand, and drank the contents, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again, maybe I can filter it better this time."

How can a person living in Minnesota be buried in Milwaukee?

I passed my ethics exam. Naturally, I cheated.