An American, wearing Bermuda shorts, T-shirt, and a baseball cap, walks into a café, chewing on gum. He sits next to this French guy who is trying to enjoy his breakfast and is not in the mood for small talk. The American, aware of the Frenchman's mood, tries to be smart. He sees the man eating a roll with jelly and decides to remark on that. "You French people eat the entire roll of bread?!" he says in an astonished tone. "Yes," replies the Frenchman and resumes eating. "Not us," says the American. "We only eat the inside and then throw the crust in a container, process it and sell it to the French as croissants." The Frenchman calmly ignores him and continues to eat. "Eww..." says the

A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial. "Jury trial," the defendant replied. "Do you understand the difference?" asked the judge. "Sure," replied the defendant, "That's where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of one."

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case? Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long. Judge: Can't they do without you at work? Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can never fool a Mom.

Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.

"There is only one pretty child in the world and every parent has it." - Chinese Proverb. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes. The best inheritance parents can give their children is a few minutes of their time each day.

A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age. The husband responded, "When we were first married we came to an agreement - I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor decisions. And now, after 60 years of marriage, I can truthfully say that we have never needed to make a MAJOR decision."

One way to take care of the world's population. The IRS has reported the "disappearance" of more than 8 million American children during the late 1980s, "caused" by tax reform legislation. That number is the total of all children claimed as dependents of beneficiaries of child care tax credits before 1987 but who were never again claimed once the IRS started requiring proof that such children existed.

Little four-year-old Jenny was looking at her new baby brother for the first time. He was fast asleep. After staring at her tiny, motionless baby brother for a few minutes, Jenny looked up at her mother and asked plaintively, "Didn't he come with batteries?"

My husband and I had just finished tucking our five young ones into bed one evening when we heard sobbing coming from three-year-old Billy's room. Rushing to his side, we found him crying hysterically. He had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die - no amount of talking could change his mind. Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy's ear. Billy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from my husband's hand, swallowed it, and demanded cheerfully, "Do it again, Dad!"

A woman and her lover are in bed, when there's a knock on the door. She says, "It must be my husband! Ok, I'll handle this." She grabs the trash bin, opens the door and, smiling sweetly, says to her husband, "Darling, please empty the trash." While he is out, the other man escapes and walks back home. He thinks, "She is sooo smart, unlike my wife." He comes up to his door and knocks, his wife opens the door, and hands him the trash bin, saying, "Darling, please empty the trash bin." He carries the basket, thinking, "What a stupid bitch! The whole damn day at home, and can't find some time to empty the trash!"

"Equal" is not always synonymous with "the same." Men and women are created equal; but boys and girls are not born the same. 1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose. 2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she'll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you're driving there. 3. Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually messy, except it's a good smelling mess. 4. A baby girl will pick up a s