The company I work for sometimes puts on what they call "Lunch and Learn" seminars during the employees' lunchtime, dealing with a variety of physical and mental health issues. If the seminar lasts beyond the normal lunch hour, we're supposed to get managerial approval to attend. So, last week, this flier came around: LUNCH AND LEARN SEMINAR: WHO'S CONTROLLING YOUR LIFE? (Get your manager's permission before attending)

Mistake: to err, to cause an error or make a mess; If a barber makes a mistake, it's a new style... If a driver makes a mistake, it is an accident... If a politician makes a mistake, it is a new law... If a scientist makes a mistake, it is a new invention... If a tailor makes a mistake, it is a new fashion... If a teacher makes a mistake, it is a new theory... If our boss makes a mistake, it is our mistake... If an employee makes a mistake, it is a "MISTAKE."

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. Also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

When a women found out that she was pregnant, she lit up the phone lines telling everyone the good news. One day, she took her 4 year old son, Sam, out shopping. A woman asked the boy if he was excited about the baby. "Yes," he said. "I know what we're going to name it. If it is a girl, we're calling her Molly and if it is a boy, we're going to call it Quits."

Happiness doesn't bring money. I want to be what I was when I wanted to be what I'm now. The government has at least one problem for every solution. Only the conservatives can make the country like it used to be - a huge swamp full of dinosaurs. Democracy is having freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the thoughtfulness to use neither one. If you don't go to other people's funerals, they won't come to yours.

What do you call a group of Jew baritones and sopranos singing? Soap opera.

As the Broadway showgirls were dressing for a performance, one of them noticed her friend was no longer sporting a flashy engagement ring. "What happened, Lily?" she asked, pointing to the bare finger. "The wedding off?" "Yeah," Lily admitted. "I saw him in a bathing suit last week, and he looked so different without his wallet."

These are real labelings on real products that they sell around the world. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how?...) On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (But it's just a SUGGESTION.) On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (Hmm, a no go on the dessert) On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (Really? I thought it would be cold) On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (Oh darn, I was going to!) On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (That would really brin

Back in the days of old, Before condoms were invented, Knights wrapped socks Around their cocks, And babies were prevented.

Things You Don't Want to Hear When Regaining Consciousness. Has anyone seen my watch? That was some party last night. I can't remember when I've been that drunk. Well, this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual? Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie. If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week. What do you mean, he's not insured? Let's hurry; I don't want to miss "Baywatch." That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that? Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!

Here's a little list of "Doc-isms" - What doctors say, and what they're really thinking: "I'd like to have my associate look at you." He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle. "Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?" You're crazier'n a loon. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ... "There is a lot of that going around." My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this. "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment." I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week. "Why don't we make another appointment later in the week?" I'm playing golf this afternoon, and th

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid." The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."