Marriage "Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?" - Rita Rudner

"You could use your old computer to shop for a new computer online. But that seems kind of cruel, doesn't it? Like asking your dying spouse if he or she has any cute friends." - Scott Ostler

"While getting dressed one morning, I decided I have been spending waaaaay too much time on the computer, when I caught myself checking the lower right corner of my make-up mirror to see what time it was." - Unknown

The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen. "Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer." One student replied: "You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building." This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was in

Lemon Grove A woman was applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove. When the foreman looked over her application, he felt she was far too qualified for the job. "Look, Miss Carter," said the foreman, "do you have any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Oh, yes, I certainly do," she replied. "I've been divorced four times."

When the salesman dropped in to pay a visit to one of his customers, he found the office empty except for a very large dog who was emptying wastebaskets. Rubbing his eyes, he was certain they must have been playing tricks on him. "Don't look so surprised," said the dog, "after all, this is part of my job." "This is amazing!" exclaimed the salesman. "I can't believe it. Does you boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can actually talk!" "No, no," the dog pleaded, "don't tell him. If he knows I can talk, the next thing you know he'll have me answering the phones too."

Read All About It! A newsboy was standing at the corner with a stack of newspapers, yelling, "Read all about it! Fifty people swindled! Read all about it!" Curious about it, a man walked over and bought a newspaper. After checking the front page and finding nothing, he said to the boy, "What are you talking about? I don't see anything in here about fifty people being swindled." The newsboy ignored him and continued, yelling out, "Read all about it! Fifty-one people swindled!"

When the husband arrived home, his wife met him at the door sobbing. He asked her what was wrong. "It's the pharmacist," she wailed. "He insulted me something awful on the phone this morning." Hearing this, the husband immediately headed downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist cut him off and said, "Please, just listen to my side of it." "This morning my alarm didn't go off," the pharmacist began to explain, "so I was late getting up. Going without breakfast, I rushed out to my car only to realize I had locked the house with both my house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, drivi

Two kids were sitting at a lunch table. One was quite a joke-teller, so he started telling a joke he had heard. "There are three types of people in this world," he said, "those who can count and those who can't." The other kid said, "But what about the other type of person?" "There is no other type!" the first kid said, "that was the joke!" "No! You said it wrong! You didn't say what the third type was!" "That was the joke! TWO TYPES of people in this world! Those who can count, AND THOSE WHO CANT!" "But you didn't say what the third type was!" So, after many hours, the second boy FINALLY understood the joke.

No Smoking Prohibited Slow Children Warning: corners of sign are sharp A Street Downtown 1 Quarter Mile No Parking 2am-5am (right underneath that sign) 2 Hour parking 9am-6pm (right underneath that sign) 15 minute parking 8am-5pm Caution- water on road during rain Airplane Crossing Bear Bottom Drive Emergency telephone 174 km ahead Road hump ahead Tank Xing

Pick A Power Word The manager of a ladies' dress shop decided it was time to have a serious talk with one of her sales clerks. "Janet, your figures are well below any of our other sales clerks'. I'm sorry to say that unless you can improve your record soon, we will have to let you go." "I'm sorry, ma'am," Janet humbly replied. "Is there any advice you could give me on how to do better?" "There is an old trick I can tell you about," the manager said. "It may sound silly, but it has worked for me in the past. Go through a dictionary until you come to a word that has particular power for you. Memorize it and work it into your sales pitch whenever it seems appropriate. You'll be amazed at the

A recent college graduate got hired by the human-development center of a large corporation to train the employees in proper dress code and etiquette. One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man who was casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her. "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?" she said in a scolding tone. "That's one of the benefits of owning the company," the man replied with a grin.