A Blonde asks a woman, "Excuse me, what time is it right now?" The woman replies, "It's 11:25PM." The Blonde with a confused look on her face replies, "You know, it's the weirdest thing. I've asked that question thirty times today and every time someone gives me a different answer."

A woman wasn't feeling well, so she asked a co-worker if she could recommend a doctor. "I know a very good doctor, but he is quite expensive. He charges $350 for the first visit, and $150 for each subsequent visit, but he really is quite good," replied the co-worker. The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to pull a fast one and save herself some money, she cheerfully announced, "I'm back!" Not fooled for a moment, the doctor gave her a quick exam and said, "Very good; now just continue the treatment I prescribed for you on your last visit."

An old hillbilly farmer with a severe case of hemorrhoids visited the doctor. The doctor prescribed some very powerful suppositories and asked the man to come back in a couple of weeks. The old farmer hadn't used suppositories before, and didn't realize they weren't a pill to be taken orally. Two weeks later, the old farmer, in even more discomfort from the hemorrhoids, sees the doctor again. The doctor asks him how the suppositories are working? The old farmer says, "For all the good they did me, I might as well have shoved them up my ass!"

A veterinarian was feeling ill, so he went to see his doctor. The doctor asked all the usual questions ... what symptoms did he have, how long had they been occurring, etc., when the vet interrupted him: "Look, doc, I'm a vet and I can't ask my patients these questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking - why can't you?" he said smugly. The doctor nodded, stood back and looked the vet up and down. He then quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to the vet, and said, "There you go. Of course, you do understand that if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep!"

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with appendicitis. The doctors operated and informed him that all went well. However, he kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Concerned that there was a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally mustered up the energy to pull his hospital gown down far enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the type that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence:- "Have a speedy recovery ... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

"Well, Jonathan, what are you going to do about the excess weight you're carrying around?" the doctor asked. "I don't understand it, Doc," Jonathan replied, "I just can't seem to lose weight. I must have an overactive thyroid." "Jonathan, the tests show that your thyroid is perfectly normal," replied the doctor. "It's your fork that's overactive."

While his mother was having a consultation with the doctor, Little Johnny could be heard terrorizing the people in the waiting room, yet she made no attempt to restrain him. A few minutes later, they heard some clattering in an adjoining room, but still she did nothing. Finally, after an extra-loud crash, she casually said to the doctor, "I hope you don't mind Little Johnny playing in there." "No, not at all," the doctor replied calmly. "I'm sure he'll calm down as soon as he finds the poison."

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What's the hardest thing about rollerblading? Telling your parents that you are gay.

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. When the guided tour arrived, a salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. "This baby here," he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. Ask it any question you wish and it will give you an intelligent answer." A smartass stepped forward and asked the computer, "Where is my father?" Immediately, the electronic gears went to work. Lights flashed, wheels buzzed and within seconds, a small card popped out. The card read, "Fishing Off Florida." "Ha!" laughed the smartass. "Actually, my father is dead! That was a trick question." The quick thinking salesman immediately replied that he was sorry the an

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES FROM: SYSTEM'S ADMINISTRATOR SUBJECT: WARNING! C-NILE VIRUS ... MUST READ: Just learned about this from a reliable source. It seems that there is a computer virus out there called the "C-Nile Virus" that even the most advanced programs from Norton cannot take care of, so be warned. It appears to affect those of us who were born before 1958. Symptoms of the C-Nile Virus: 1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. 2. Causes you to send blank e-mail. 3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. 4. Causes you to send e-mail back to the person who sent it to you. 5. Causes you to send e-mail to other listed persons who received the e-mail from the person who sent

When the media askes George Bush a question about the war he says, "Uhh, Can I use a life line?"