A blonde was standing in front of a vending machine. She put in a dollar, pushed a button and a coke came out. She put in another dollar, pushed a different button and an iced tea came out. The blonde kept doing this, until the man behind her became impatient. "Excuse me, can I just get a drink, THEN you can continue whatever you're doing???" "No way!" exclaimed the blonde. "I'm not giving up this machine when I'm winning!"

A cat's dictionary. Purring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness. Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty. Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something. Human Being: Automatic door opener for cats. Purrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines. Purrson: A male kitty. Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing.

3 men were on the way to Heaven, but God would only let the man with the worst death in. The first man says, "Well, I was on the way to my apartment because I suspected my wife was cheating on me. So when I got to my apartment on the 3rd story, my wife was in the shower, but there was a guy hanging from a window sill. I step on his fingers, but he didn't budge. So I took a hammer and smashed his fingers so he fell, but wasn't dead. So I took the refrigerator and threw it down on him. I got a heart attack because it was the first time I killed someone." The second man says, "I was climbing down the stairs of my apartment on the 4th story when I tripped, and I was hanging on a window sill. A g

Two women were sitting beside each other in the airport. "Where are you flying to?", the woman on the right asked. With an attitude, the other replied "You should never end a sentece with the word 'to'". "Ok", said the woman on the right. "Where are you flying to, bitch?"

A man went to a psychiatrist and explained his problem. "Two weeks ago I had a dream that I was a tippee. Then, the next day, I dreamt I was a wigwam. In my next dream, I was a teepee again, and this has been happening the whole too weeks! What's wrong with me, Doc?". "It's simple. You're just two tents".

Two scientists were discussing their latest behaviour-modification research. "We've started something new," said the first scientist. "For some of our more dangerous experiments, we're now using lawyers." "Lawyers?" questioned her colleague. "But we've always used rats." "Well, you know how it is. You get so attached to the rats."

My sister gave birth in a state-of-the-art delivery room. It was so high tech that the baby came out cordless!

Q. How many car salesmen does it take to change a light bulb? A. I'm just going to work this out on my calculator, and I think you're going to be pleasantly surprised.

Why don't ghosts make good magicians? You can see right through them!

Patient: Doctor doctor, J keep seeing doubles! Doctor: Please take a seat. Patient: Which one?

One time, when I was a kid, I forgot to do my homework, so I stole someone else's and turned it in. After class, the teacher pulled me over. She asked why I didn't turn in the homework. I said, guess I forgot to change the name on it!

I had four cappuccinos at one time. I was bouncing off the walls. Good thing they were padded.