One night, a mother was walking past her young daughter's room when she saw the little girl kneeling by her bed, head bowed, hands folded, reciting the alphabet. "What are you doing, sweetheart?" the mother asked. "I'm saying my prayers, Mommy," replied the little girl, "but I couldn't think of what I wanted to say, so I'm saying the letters of the alphabet, and God can put them together whichever way He feels is best."

Virgin Mary wanted to visit Hell, so she went to God and asked if she might do so. "Yes," God said. "I have only one warning for you. You must stay away from booze, drugs and men. Will you promise me so?" "Yes," Virgin Mary said. "And remember to call me every night," God said, before Virgin Mary left. So, in the first night, the telephone rang in Heaven. "Heaven," God answered. "Hello, it´s Virgin Mary here ... I'm sorry to tell you, but I am a bit drunk ... I couldn't resist the temptation. Will you forgive me?" asked Virgin Mary. "Yes I will. Now stay clear of drugs and men, will you? And call me tomorrow," said God. The following night, the phone rang in Heaven. "Heaven," God answered.

Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church. One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him. Charlie said that he did not take any of the offering. The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offering, so the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did. The priest then asked him again, "Charlie, did you take any of the offering?" This time, Charlie replied, "I can't hear you." The priest asked Charlie the same question several times and Charlie would a

Why don't politicians ever consider being gynocologists? They would have to deal with too much Bush every day!

Actual Anti-War Slogans for the War on Iraq These colors don't run the world. One nation under surveillance. It's the oil, stupid. War is expensive, Peace is priceless. Read between the Pipelines No More BuSh. Smart weapons, Dumb president. The only thing we have to fear is Bush himself. How many Lives per Gallon? Patriots are idiots! Matriarchy Now! Peace Takes Brains Anything war can do, peace can do better. Negotiation Not Annihilation. Another patriot for peace. How did our oil get under their sand? Go Solar, not Ballistic. Who Would Jesus Bomb? Start Drafting SUV Drivers Now. Don't blame me, I voted with the majority. Buck Fush! Resistance is Fertile. (Pictures of sheep carrying flags)

Q. What do elfs learn while in school? A. The elfabet!

A group of nuns was traveling in a car when it had a flat tire. They got out and attempted to change it, but being rather unworldly, they had no idea how to go about it. Fortunately, a truck came along and the driver offered to change it for them. They gratefully accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. "Son-of-a-bitch!" he screamed. "Sir, that is inappropriate language," the eldest nun said. "We understand you're upset, but must you use such language?" "My apologies, Sister," he replied, and tried again. It slipped again and nearly smashed his fingers. "Son-of-a-bitch!" he screamed. "Please, sir, we would ask you again to not use such language," the nun scold

One day, God was talking to St. Peter. God said, "I am not very happy with all the sinners in the world. I should send a letter to each of them and tell them what they are doing wrong and they must stop, or they will not come to Heaven when they die." "I have a better idea," St. Peter said. "We should send letters to all the people who are doing good things and congratulate them on being accepted into Heaven when they pass on." God agreed, so they sent out the letters. Do you know what the letters said? What, you mean you didn't get one?

Knock-knock.. Who's there? Panther.... Panther who? Panth-er no panth I'm goin' thwimmin'!

Marg and Sam invited a couple over for a evening of bridge. "Sam," Marg said, "this is the last couple that will ever accept an invitation to come to our house. If you dare to do anything to offend them tonight, I will crucify you!" After they played for a while, Marg went into the kitchen to get some refreshments. When she returned, she saw that Sam was sitting at the table by himself. She put the tray down and said, "What did you do to run them off this time?" "I didn't do anything," Sam replied. "We were just sitting here and a mouse ran across the floor. Sue looked at me and said that we can get rid of mice by shoving steel wool into their little holes. All I asked was, 'How do you ho

An old guy was wandering around a supermarket calling out - "Crisco? Crisco? C-R-I-S-C-O!" Finally, a clerk approached him and said, "Sir, the Crisco in on aisle seven." "Oh," the old guy said, "I'm not looking for Crisco. I'm calling my wife." "Your wife's name is Crisco?" the puzzled clerk asked. "Hell, no," the old guy said. "I only call her that when we come to the supermarket." "Oh? Well, what do you call her when you're not in the supermarket?" asked the clerk. "Lard Ass!" replied the old guy.

Ted and Alice were thrilled when their long wait to adopt a baby finally came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had an adorable German baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation. On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped at the local college so they could enroll in night classes. After they completed filling out the form, the registrar inquired, "What possessed you to study German?" "We've just adopted a wonderful German baby boy and in a year or so, he'll begin to talk. We want to make sure we're able to understand him!" the couple proudly explained.