The Pope, Billy Graham and Oral Roberts were in a fatal three-way car crash and all went to Heaven together. "Oh, this is awful," exclaimed St. Peter. "I know you must think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those strange coincidences that happen. We weren't expecting you, so your quarters aren't ready. We can't send you back and we can't take you in." Suddenly, St. Peter got an idea. He picked up the phone and called Lucifer. "Lucifer," he said, "this is Peter. We have a bit of a problem. We have three guys up here. They are ours, but we weren't expecting them so we need some time to fix up their quarters. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It should only take us a

During his sermon, the preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike. As he preached, he continued to move briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. At one point, he moved to one side and got caught up in the cord, nearly tripping before he jerked it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the second pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

A parish priest calls the Mother Superior into his office and says, "There is something I must show you. Please come into my private room and close the blinds." "Father!" exclaims the shocked Mother Superior. "What did you say?" "What I said was ... " the priest begins. "I heard what you said ... I just can't believe you're saying it," interrupts the Mother Superior. "Well, I really need you to come in," the priest says. Curious now, she does as he asks. "Here now, sit on the bed beside me," he says. "I must get out of here," the nun replies. "Aren't you the least bit curious?" asks the priest. She is, so she cautiously sits down beside him. "Now get under the covers," instructs the

On the first day of creation, God created the dog. On the second day, God created man to serve the dog. On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth, especially the horse, to serve as potential food for the dog. On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog. On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it. On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke. On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.

It seems that God received a delegation of animals complaining of their lot in life. There was an elephant, a giraffe, and a hen. The elephant complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS TRUNK YOU have given me. It gets in the way, and makes me look like a total fool!" The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick up food, drink, and water without getting wet!" Next the giraffe complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS LONG NECK! It makes me top heavy, I get terrible neck pains, and people point and laugh at me!" The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick the best fruit and leaves from the high branches, and allows you to see a fair distance." Then the hen spoke up. "Lord, I don't want to complain, but e

Three nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Pete says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want." The first nun says, "I want to be Bo Derek," and - POOF - she's gone. The second says, "I want to be Madonna," and - POOF - she's gone. The third says, "I want to be Virginia Pepalini." St Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says. "Virginia Pepalini," replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He ha

On our last venture out for Christmas shopping, we had bought a few gadgets for the younguns and then realized we didn't have any batteries. I stepped over to the counter to get the batteries, but I couldn't attract any clerk's attention. I waited a while then said to April, "I'll get someone's attention. Stay right here." With that, I pulled out a tape measure I just happened to have with me, and started to "measure" one of those large screen plasma television sets. You know, the ones that go for about $4000. Amazingly, a clerk almost leap-frogged over several pieces of furniture to reach my side. "Sir! Can I help you?" he exclaimed. "Yeah, you can. I'll take 8 of those batteries over

A congregation honors a rabbi for twenty-five years of service by sending him to Oahu for a week, all expenses paid. When he enters his hotel room, there's a nude girl lying on the bed. He picks up the phone, calls his temple, and says, "Where is your respect? As your rabbi, I am extremely angry with you." Hearing this, the girl immediately gets up and starts to get dressed. He says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you..."

An engaged couple met with their pastor to set the date for their wedding. During the meeting, the pastor asked them whether they preferred to have a contemporary or a traditional service. They chose a contemporary service. On the day of the big event there was a major storm, which caused the groom to take a different route to the church. Since the streets were flooded, he rolled up his trouser legs to keep his trousers dry. When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting. "Pull down your pants," whispered the pastor. "Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind," the groom replied. "I think I would prefer the t

Little Johnny had the flu and wasn't able to attend the Palm Sunday church service with his family. When they returned home from the service, they were carrying palm branches. "What are those?" Little Johnny asked his mother. "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by," his mother explained. "Well, doesn't that just figure," grumbled Little Johnny. "The one Sunday I can't go to church, and Jesus shows up!"

The Reverend Paul Fuzz was the pastor of a small congregation in a little town. One day, as he was walking down Main Street, he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking. He felt this was very sinful and definitely not something a member of his congregation should do. He entered the bar and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs. Thomson," the Reverend said sternly, "this is no place for a member of my congregation to be. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Okay," slurred the very drunk woman. When Mrs. Thomson stood up, she began to weave back and forth. Realizing she had had far too much to drink, the Reverend grabbed her arms to steady her. Wh

The preschoolers' Sunday school teacher told them that she wanted each of them to learn one fact about Jesus by the following Sunday. The next Sunday, she asked each of them what they had learned. "I learned that he was born in a manger," said Julie. Timmy said, "I learned that he threw the money changers out of the temple." "What about you, Johnny? What did you learn?" the teacher asked. "He has a pick-up truck and he doesn't know how to drive," replied Little Johnny. Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?" "I learned it from Daddy," Little Johnny explained. "When we were driving down the highway, a pick-up truck cut right in front of us and Daddy shouted,