A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer." A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, something that had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government ha

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When...... You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?", you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox. A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn". Your boss is standing behind you. It's his wife. While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out. You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week. You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was th

Alabama *It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. *Dominoes may not be played on Sunday. *It is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church. ~~~ California *Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses. *Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship. *Bathhouses are against the law. [Get the full text of this law.] *It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale. *Women may not drive in a house coat. ~~~ Florida *Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner. *A special law prohibits unmarried women fr

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.Treasury. --

THINGS I HAVE LEARNED LIVING IN GEORGIA: 1. Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air 2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in GEORGIA. 3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in GEORGIA plus a couple no one's seen before 4. If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites. 5. Onced and twiced are words. 6. It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy. 7. Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic. 8. People actually grow and eat okra. 9. Fixinto is one word. 10. There is no such thing as "lunch". There is only dinner and then there is supper. 11. Ice tea is appropriate for all meals and you st art drinking it when you' re two. We do l

This reminds me of something yesterday at work. A colleague was relating a conversation he had with his young daughter, just a bit over 2 years old. They were discussing geography and... "Where does mommy live?" "Minneapolis." "Where does grandma live?" "Baltimore." "Where does grandpa live?" "Baltimore." "And where does daddy live?" "At work!" Needless to say, he took the next day off!

My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our own experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how things change as you have more children: Feeling the Baby Move First child: I placed my hand on my wife's tummy every chance I could for two months waiting for that first time when I could feel the baby move. Hour after hour I waited until that magic moment when I felt this little movement. We called all of our relatives to tell them about the blessed experience. Second child: When it first happened, my wife called me at the office. I quickly ran home and felt the baby move. We included the experience in all of our letter to our family. Third child: She told

My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our own experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how things change as you have more children: The Trip to the Hospital First child: Every time we felt the slightest B & H contraction, we rushed to the hospital. I would carry my wife to the car and lay her down in the back seat surrounded by pillows. Second child: We timed the contractions. By the time she had three in thirty minutes, we rushed to the hospital. She sat in the front seat, with it leaned back and a pillow behind her head and another at her feet. Third child: I came home from the office as soon as she started having regular contractions. When

My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our own experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how things change as you have more children: The First Step First child: My wife grabbed the camera; I grabbed the video camera. My wife took four rolls of film. We immediately ran out to the one-hour developing place and had all four rolls developed with double prints. We had the best picture blown up to 24" x 36" and framed. We hung it up in the entry hall. I had a professional studio turn the four hours of video I taped into a one-hour documentary complete with voice-over by a local anchor-man. Second child: We took one roll of film and five minutes worth of v