A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role. "Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."

Dave went on a business trip for a few days. When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him. "She spent every night at the front door, waiting for you to come home," she said. "What an example of devotion," Dave replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?" "Honey," she answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."

- You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top. - Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds. - You have an Elvis Jell-o mold. - You own more cowboy boots than sneakers. - You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars. - You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace. - You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car. - There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.

The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items. I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, and had fastened the seatbelt around it to stop it falling over. I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office." The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, man," he said, "but I think it's too late!"

A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody. Everyone was amazed with what he could do - everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic. Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. When it was time for his appointment he told the doctor, "Hey, doc, I've lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin' to do?" The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47." So the doctor brought the jar out, opened it, and told Mr. Thompson to taste it. He tasted it and immediately spit it out, "This is gross!" he yelled. "Looks

What do you get when you cross an eagle with a jeep and a dog? A flying car-pet!

Nine cats were on a boat. One jumped off. How many were left? None. They were all copy-cats!

A poor man walks into a bar. Another man sat down 2 feet away from him, and pulled out a wad of $50s from his wallet. The poor man got an idea. He tells the rich man, "I have a special talent. I bet you all the money in your wallet I can sing a song with any woman's name in it." The rich man laughed. "Alright. How about my wife's name, Joanne Skyler Thomas?" What does the poor man sing? -_-_-_-_-_-_-_- Answer: "Happy Birthday" It's a real song, and can have anyone's name in it. The poor man walks away rich. The rich man walks away poor.

I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting larger. Then it hit me...

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country. March Planned For Next August Blind Bishop Appointed To See Lingerie Shipment Hijacked - Thief Gives Police The Slip L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide Patient At Death's Door - Doctors Pull Him Through Latin Course To Be Canceled - No Interest Among Students, Et Al. Diaper Market Bottoms Out Croupiers On Strike - Management: "No Big Deal" Stadium Air Conditioning Fails - Fans Protest

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country. Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Man Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy Autos Killing 110 a Day - Let's Resolve to Do Better 20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years

CLASSIFIED ERRORS, from a small-town daily: (Monday) FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 555-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap. (Tuesday) NOTICE - We regret having erred in R. D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read: One sewing machine for sale. Cheap: 555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him after 7 p.m. (Wednesday) NOTICE - R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in his classified ad yesterday. His ad stands corrected as follows: FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 555-0707 and ask Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.