The movie producer was planning his next blockbuster - an action docudrama about famous composers. So he set up a meeting with Jean-Claude Van Damme, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger and offered them the chance to select which famous musicians they'd portray. "Chopin has always been my favorite," said Van Damme. "That's the part for me." "I've always admired Mozart," Stallone said. "I'd love to play him." The producer turned to Schwarzenegger. "And you, Arnold? Who do you want to be?" There was a long silence, then he replied, "I'll be Bach."

The sky was dark the moon was high all alone just her and I Her hair was so soft Her eyes so blue I knew just what she wanted to do her skin so soft her legs so fine I ran my fingers down her spine I didn't know how But I tried my best I started by placing my hand on her breast I remember my fear My fast beating heart but slowly she spread her legs apart, and when I did it I felt no shame and all at once the white stuff came At last it's finished it's all over now my first time ever at milking a cow

That sometimes when you cry, no one sees your tears. Sometimes when you're sad, no one understands your pain. Sometimes when you're happy, no one sees your smile. But you just have to fart once, and EVERYBODY knows.

Seminars for Females (Prepared and presented by Males) 1. Elementary map reading 2. Crying and law enforcement 3. Advanced math seminar: Programming your VCR 4. You can go shopping for less than 4 hours 5. Gaining five pounds vs. the end of the world: A study in contrast. 6. PMS: It's your problem, not mine ("It's happened monthly since puberty-deal with it.") 7. Driving I. Getting past automatic transmissions 8. Driving II. The meaning of blinking orange lights 9. Driving III. Approximating a constant speed 10. Driving IV. Makeup and Driving; it's as simple as oil and water 11. Football: Not a game; a sacrament 12. Telephone Translations (Formerly titled, "Me too" equals "I love y

Seminars For Males (Prepared and Presented by Females) 1. Combatting stupidity 2. You too can do housework 3. PMS: Learn when to keep your mouth shut 4. How to fill an ice tray 5. We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas: give us money 6. Understanding the female response to your coming in drunk at 4am 7. Wonderful laundry techniques (formerly titled, "Don't wash my silks") 8. Parenting: It doesn't end with conception 9. Get a life; learn to cook 10. How not to act like a jackass when you're obviously wrong 11. Spelling: Even you can get it right 12. Understanding your financial incompetence 13. You: The weaker sex 14. Reasons to give flowers 15. How to stay awake in public

Did you hear about the sailor who died, and wanted to be buried at sea by his 5 blonde daughters? His daughters all drowned digging the grave.

A redneck is walking along the beach in France. There are many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a French guy lying on the beach who is surrounded by adoring women. "Excuse me," he says, taking the guy aside, "but I've been trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem to get anywhere with them. You're French. You know these women. What do they want?" "Maybe I can help a leetle beet," says the Frenchman. "What you do ees you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You walk up and down zee beach. You meet

A couple is having a nice dinner at a local restaurant, having a good time telling blonde jokes. Suddenly a blonde approached them and slapped her hand down on the table. She angrily tells them that she can take a blonde joke as well as the next person, but it isn't nice to keep bashing them in public. The couple apologize and changes the topic. A few minutes later the woman needs to go to the restroom, so she goes off, and she is followed by the blonde. After 10 minutes the blonde comes out frusturated, and storms out the front door. The woman calmly comes out and sits down at her table. The man asks what happened in there. The woman replies, "Well, as I was washing my hands, the blonde cam

You're so poor I went in your front door and came out the back.

Why did the boy eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office covered only in Saran Wrap. He says to the doctor, "I've felt so weird lately, Doc, can you tell me what's wrong?" The doctor replied, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts!"