A priest was assigned a small church in the Alaskan backwoods. After a couple of years, the bishop stopped by to see how he was doing. "Ah, Bishop, it's really lonely here. I couldn't have made it without my Rosary and two martinis a day." The bishop replied, "You know, a martini would taste good right now." The priest agreed and yelled into the kitchen, "Hey, Rosary! Fix us a couple of martinis, will ya!?"

A son asked his mother the following question: "Mum, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother replies, "Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure." The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?" The father says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

A teenage boy with spiked hair, a nose ring, and baggy clothes was overheard telling a friend, "I don't really like to dress like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them."

Two fat men took part in a marathon. One ran in short bursts, and the other ran in burst shorts.

A fat woman and a slim woman were both smoking cigarettes; which one finished hers first? The fat woman - she takes bigger draws.

3 young boys were walking along a river bank when they saw a man drowning in the river. Together they manage to pull him out. When they pulled him out they notice that it is in fact George Bush, leader of the free world. George Bush says to the boys, "Thank you oh so much! In return for you kindness, I will give each of you whatever you desire." He turns to the first boy, "What would you like?" The boy says, "I'd like a bike, but not just any bike, a bike with all the whistles and gadgets it could possibly have!" George Bush says, "And you shall have it!" He turns to the second boy, "And what about you?" The boy goes, "I'd like a huge house for all 12 members of my family, a huge mansi

We all know that Hilary Duff dyed her hair blonde, but the turning point when she actually BECAME a blonde was in a song she wrote. It was the following: "When the light is off then it isn't on." From the song "So Yesterday."

Don't think of yourself as a zero, think of yourself as the number below one.

The policeman stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name. "I'm Mrs. Ladislav Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in Columbia," she said. The cop put away his summons book and pen, and said, "Well, OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."

One day, Bob's class was assigned to write down everything they heard at home. When Bob got home, he heard his mom and dad fighting. "Shut up" he heard his dad say. Bob wrote that down. Next he went to his sister's room. She was chatting on-line. It just so happened that she said everything she typed. "Duh!" Bob heard her saying. Bob wrote that down. After that, he went to the living room were he heard his little brother saying, "Super Man!" Bob wrote that down. Last, he went near the bathroom were his grandpa was singing, "Every day, the whole day, in the bathroom." Bob wrote that down. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The next day at school, The teache

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy!

Knock-Knock Who's there? Idaho. Idaho who? I da hoe!!!