Reaching the end of a job interview, the interviewer asked a young engineer, "What starting salary were you thinking about?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Two Vampire bats are in a cave, both very hungry. The first bat goes out looking for some food. He comes back later with nothing. The second bat tries not long afterwords. 5 minutes later he returns, blood all over his face! "Wow!" said the first bat "You must've had a big meal, where did you get that?" "Well, can you see that large redwood over there?" "Yes" replies the first bat. "Well I bloody well didn't."

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting together for Christmas, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it." Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Dear Milton," she wrote one son, "The

alarm clock, n. a device for waking up people who don't have small children

Penguins mate for life. This is not surprising, as they all look the same. It's not like they have to wait and wonder if someone better will come along!

The captain of a ship hears his first mate calling from above deck, "captain, there is a pirate ship off the starboard side!" The captain takes the looking glass, sees the ship, and tells the first mate, "ready the cannons and swords, prepare the men for battle, and bring me my red shirt". "Aye, aye captain," says the first mate, and carrys out the orders. The men fight bravely, and after a long battle, defeat the pirates. The first mate asks the captain, "Well done sir, but why did you need the red shirt?" to which the captain replied "if I was wounded, I didn't want the men to see the blood and become disheartened, and so, lose the battle". The next day, the captain hears his first

Eve, in the Garden of Eden, called out, "Lord, I have a problem." And the Lord said, "What's the matter, Eve?" "I know You created me and this beautiful garden. But I'm lonely - and I'm sick of eating apples." "Well, in that case," replied the Almighty, "I'll create a man for you." "What's a man?" "He's a flawed creature with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to listen. But he's big and fast and muscular. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball and hunting animals." "Sounds great!" replied Eve. "There's one condition," added the Lord. "You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

Did you hear about the director of the Department of Motor Vehicles who resigned on Tuesday? He tried to resign on Monday, but discovered he'd been standing in the wrong line.

Did you hear about the scientists who crossed a porcupine with a sheep? They got an animal that knits its own sweaters.

The assistant curator of the musuem came to the head curator with a couple of problems. "Sir, the mummy is damp and getting mouldy. And the white mouse in the maze exhibit has developed dry skin." The head curator thought for a minute, then advised, "Put your mummy where your mouse is."

(From a machine at a college dorm:) A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. (Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his vali

Yo mama so dumb, she tried to spell out the alphabet with M&M's.