Yo momma's so old, she doesn't need a history book.

What was the last thing NASA heard before apollo 13 crashed? Let her drive.

Policeman: "Lady, I'm arresting you for prostitution." Woman: "I'm not selling sex, I'm selling condoms with a free demonstration."

You are a big animal that is big.

Q. how long does it take for a man to change a lightbulb? A. 5 mins. 20 secs. 1 min to get a lightbulb 1 min to try and change it 1 min to swear because he can't do it 1 min to find a woman 20 secs. for her to change it 1 min for him to cry and gripe about it.

A guy had told all of his friends about the great steak he'd eaten downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if it was really as large and delicious as he was making it out to be. The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large, delicious, gigantic steaks. To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest steaks they'd ever seen. "Now see here," the very embarrassed guy said to the waiter. "Yesterday, when I came down here you served me a big, juicy steak. Today, though, when I have my friends with me, you serve tiny steaks! What is the meaning of t

My lover and I can't come to the phone right now but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished. Hello! You've reached Jim and Cathy. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Cathy likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right, real slowly. So leave a message and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you." These words are lovely dark and deep, but I've got promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep, so leave a message at the beep. Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape! Hello, this is Jack. Unfo

Dear God, If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her. – Denise Dear God, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. – Dean Dear God, I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying. – Elliot Dear God, Of all the people who work for You, I like Noah and David the best. – Rob Dear God, My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? – Marsha

Dear God, The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land, you fool". But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. – Eddie Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are God already. – Charles Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool! – Eugene Dear God, In Sunday School they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? – Jane Dear God, I read the Bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me. Love, Allison Dear God, Are you really invisible or is that a trick? – Lucy

The Declarizzle of Independence of tha Thirteen Colonies In CONGRESS, July 4, 1776 The unanimous Declarizzles of tha thirteen united States of America, W-H-to-tha-izzen in tha Course of human events, it becomes necessary fo` one thugz ta Dissolve tha politizzles bands which hizzle connected thizzem wit motherfucka n ta Assume among tha powa of tha earth, tha separate n equal station ta whizzay The Laws of Nature n of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect ta tha Opinions of mankind requires that tizzle should declare tha causes which impel Them ta tha separizzles. We hold these truths ta be self-evizzles that all men is created equal, that They is endowed by they Creator wit cert

What's worse than 10 babies in one dumpster? 1 baby in 10 dumpsters.

How do you keep a Michigan State Player out of your yard? Set up a goal post.