I use to eat natural foods, but then I found out that 65% of all people die of natural causes.

Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly. The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For pity's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?"

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says, "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this." A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration." The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again." The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender sa

Sadly I will never be able to join a nudist colony..=[ My mother always told me not to point!! =]

This is a true story. Last year my teachers all believed in the, "There is no stupid question" thing, until we started talking about a three day trip our class was going to take. We had just finished talking about room arrangements. My teacher asked for any questions, stating his famous line, "There are no stupid questions." A girl raised her hand and asked, "Are guys allowed to bunk with us?" He now has a new fave line, "There are no stupid questions, just stupid people."

1971. Tom Workman, former NBA-ABA basketball player: "They tell you to join the NBA and see all the big cities: New York with all the lights, San Francisco with its nightlife, San Diego's sunshine. They also say join the ABA and see the U.S.A. Unfortunately, I found this included Steubenville, Ohio; Amarillo, Texas; Elko, Nevada; Cedar City, Utah; and Biloxi, Mississippi." 1966. Jim Camp, George Washington football coach, on why he doesn't use a lonely end: "We train by a parkway, which runs beside a river. If we had a lonely end, he either would be hit by a car or drown." 1976. Hugh Campbell, football coach at Whitworth College in Spokane, Wash., after his team had defeated Whitman 70-30:

1986. Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating." 1991. Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker." 1976. Greg Buttle, New York Jet linebacker, explaining his contractual obligations: "They pay me to practice. Sundays I play for free." 1996. Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot." 1991. Jim Colletto, Purdue football coach and former assistant at Arizona State and Ohio State, on his 11-year-old son's reaction after

1992. Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." 1996. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." 1981. Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back." 1976. Alex Hawkins, recalling his playing days against Dick Butkus: "Whenever they gave him the game ball, he ate it." 1966. Darre

As a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury-selection process. First a computer randomly selects a few hundred citizens from the entire county to report for jury duty on a particular day. Then another computer assigns 40 of those present to a courtroom. Then the 40 names are placed in a drum, and a dozen names are pulled. During jury selection for one trial, the judge asked potential Juror No. 1 if there was any reason he could not be a fair and impartial juror. "There may be," he replied. "Juror No. 12 is my ex-wife, and if we were on the same jury, I guarantee we would not be able to agree on anything." Both were excused.

The musician Ted Nugent was being interviewed by a British radio show, and the liberal presenter was giving him a hard time about being a deer hunter. "What do you think is going through that deer's head when you kill it?" she asks. "Don't you think it is wondering what it ever did to harm you, and why you are being so cruel?" "No," replied Nugent, "I don't think their thoughts are that complex. A deer only wonders when it will eat next, when it will have sex next, and if it is fast enough to run away from whoever would harm it. In that way, they really aren't much different from the French."

Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a very tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts he can't stop looking at her thighs. To his delight he discovers that she is wearing no underwear. The blonde suddenly notices that he is looking and asks, "Are you looking at my p*ssy?" "Yes, I am so sorry! I just couldn't help myself. I will stop right away." After a while he starts to look again. "Are you looking again?" the blonde asks. "I am so sorry, I just can't stop!" he says. "Oh, it's okay. It's quite talented, watch!" the blonde says. As the man is watching it blows a kiss at him! "What else can it do?" he asks. "It can also wink at you," she says. The man stares in

How do you know if a family tree is a redneck's? The family tree goes straight down.