David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, Rhode Island, after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind. 45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.

Knock-Knock Why are you knocking? I've got a doorbell.

In Arkansas, it is illegal to say the word Arkansas incorrectly.

Here is some random advice to make you smile... MEN have 2 heads and WOMEN have 4 lips. The American Dental Association says semen cuts plaque and tartar by 77%. Suck a dick and save a smile... If you have sex 365 times a year, and if you melted down all of the condoms to make a tire, what would you call it? A fuckin Goodyear! Sex is like playing spades. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. Big Bad Wolf told Little Red Riding Hood to lift her top so he could suck her tits. "No," she said while lifting her skirt, "Eat me like the fuckin book says!" A rooster and a cat were playing by the pool. The cat fell in and the rooster laughed. The rooster exclaimed, "A

Harassment: The teacher asked Paco to use "harassment" in a sentence. Paco smiles and says......... "Orale vato (homeboy)...Mi ruca (my girl) caught me in bed with my sancha (lover), pero ( but) that's okay porque (because) I told her that... HAR ASS MENT nothing to me."

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?" "No, I don't," said the little boy. "OK, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work." Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!"

Matt's dad picked him up from school one afternoon. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years." "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

Rosy, posing thoughtfully in the mirror, says to Nina, "I think I'm going to see a dietitian." Nina asks, "Why?" Rosy answers, "'Cause I need to know once and for all how many calories there are in semen." Nina replies, "I really have no clue, but if you're swallowing that much of it, no guy is going to care if you're a little chunky."

The Russian wrestling team and American wrestling team are having a 5-on-5 exhibition match. Both teams are down to their final wrestlers, tied at two wins apiece. The remaining American wrestler is 5'10", 175lbs., and his Russian counterpart is 6'7", 300lbs and all muscle. The American coach sends his wrestler into the match with little hope of winning. As expected, the Russian has with way with the American. Suddenly, the American explosively turns the match around, pins the Russian, and gains the victory for the American team. The American wrestler returns to the sidelines where the coach asks him, "Son, how were you able to defeat that big Russian? Honestly, I didn't give you much of a

Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear? Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Kings Disoriented Are. Dementia - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas. Narcissistic - Hark The Herald Angels Sing About Me. Manic - Deck The Halls and Walls and Houses and Lawns and Streets and Stores and Offices and Towns and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and... Paranoid - Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me. Borderline Personality - Thoughts Of Roasting On An Open Fire. Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why. Obsessive Compulsive - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle B

A newlywed sailor is informed by the navy that he's going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years. A few weeks after he gets there he really starts to miss his new wife, so he writes her a letter. "My darling," he writes, "it looks like we're going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and we're constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls. The temptation's terrible. I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind off them." His wife sends him back a harmonica with a note reading, "Why don't you learn to play this?" Eventually his tour of duty comes to an end and he rushes back to his wife. "Darling" he say

Joe and Bill are out fishing and sipping beer while discussing football and NASCAR. All of a sudden Joe says, "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months." Bill sips his beer and says, "You better think it over, women like that are hard to find."