Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!" Another one said, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!"

20. Alex Mijtus, 36 years old, is killed by his wife, armed with a 20" long vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had had enough of her husbands strange sex practices, and one night during a prolonged being of "fun" she snapped, pushing all 20" of the vibrator into Alex's anus until it ruptured several internal organs and caused severe bleeding. 19. Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was hit by the truck delivering her birthday cake. 18. Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old daughter, who he had just sent to her room with no

Why did Julie lose the race? Because Jodie won!

You know how occasionally you'll have people over, and they won't shut up and they whole visit is getting a little tedious? Or you'll be talking to this incredibly boring person who is too sensitive to tell to go away? Well, here is a solution to that boring-person-who-just-will-not-leave-you-alone. 1. Close your eyes and lean your head on their shoulder. Snort and drool slightly, and when they pause jerk back up and ask, "What did I miss?" 2. Sneeze. Inhale deeply and for a long time then do an extended, "AH-AH-AH-" and finally end in a big, "Achoo!" Aim at the person. Wipe your nose with the palm of your hand then pat them on the shoulder and say, "Don't you just hate allergies?" 3. Stare

In Speech, Bush Calls Iraq, Iran, and North Korea 'Axis of Evil"-N.Y. Times, 1/30/02 ANGERED BY SNUBBING, LIBYA, CHINA, and SYRIA FORM AXIS OF JUST AS EVIL; Cuba, Sudan, Serbia Form Axis of Somewhat Evil; Other Nations Start Own Clubs Beijing. - Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address. Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil...in their dreams!" d

On a BA flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South African Lady has found herself sitting next to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating. "What seems to be the problem Madam?" asked the attendant. "Can't you see?" she said, "You've sat me next to a kafir. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!" "Please calm down, Madam." the stewardess replied. "The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do - I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class." The woman cocks a snotty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to mention many of the surroun

WARNING: This describes the cruel, mental torture of innocent toy store employees. Readers under the age of 13 should be accompanied by an adult. An "Anti-shopping" Trip with the Los Angeles Cacophony Society by Rev. Al I had been thinking for a long time about making cement filled teddy bears. I wasn't exactly sure why. At first it was just a perceptual curiosity I wanted to experience, and I wanted others to experience: the idea of being handed what appeared to be a fluffy stuffed animal, only to have it go tearing through your relaxed fingers like a lead meteor. The Christmas shopping season seemed an ideal time to get them on the shelves of Los Angeles toy stores, so late in Novembe

"Oh, No!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know. He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded. Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly. "Danny! Danny!" he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and

Alabama: It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. California: Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water. Nebraska: A parent can be arrested if his child cannot hold back a burp during a church service. New Mexico: Females are strictly forbidden to appear unshaven in public. Pennsylvania: A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling. No man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife. Tennessee: It is illegal to lasso a catfish in Tennessee.

Washington: All lollipops are banned. A law to reduce crime states: "It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town. In King County, in Seattle Washington, it is illegal to sit on a man's lap on a metro bus, unless you are married. New York: A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and "looking at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll. Iowa: Kisses may la

Florida: Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner. If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. SARASOTA - It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit. Louisiana: It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol. Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault." North Dakota: Beer & pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant. Ohio: Women are prohibited from wearing

Vermont: Lawmakers made it obligatory for everybody to take at least one bath each week - on Saturday night. Indiana: Bathing is prohibited during the winter. Citizens are not allowed to attend a movie house or theater nor ride in a public streetcar within at least four hours after eating garlic. Massachusetts: Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches. Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked. An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public. Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts. Kentucky: By l