My American History teacher was giving a lecture about the first three presidents. A lot of people in my class can't remember presidents very well. "You all are brainwashed," he said. Of course, there was confusion in the room at this comment. "Let me demonstrate," he continued, "'I'm Cuckoo for...'" "Cocoa Puffs!" the class replied. "You don't know the ninth president of the United States, but you know that you are 'Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.'" Then, this one guy in my class said, "If the presidents were finger-lickin' good, we'd remember 'em."

A bag of Cheetos has a contest. It says "No Purchase neccesary" but the code is on the inside...

Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction. "Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?" "Nothing," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets."

So I was out camping and my glasses had broken the day before, so I couldn't wear them. Without my glasses, I can't see anything past 10 feet in front of my face. So I was out camping (W/out glasses) and I go to use the bathroom, and I walk into the wrong one, (and two cute girls were outside picking berries) and I come out and they start to laugh. I found out about two hours later that I walked into the wrong bathroom. An hour and a half later, i was eating a late lunch/early dinner, and I go to use the bathroom, at this local Texmex resturant, and the bathroom was outside, and I walked into the wrong one again. It was really embarrassing. PS, I'm not blonde, just on the inside.

There was once an old woman living in a cottage. Her husband had died three years ago. Suddenly, the phone rang. She picked it up and a deep voice boomed: "I am the vindow viper and I'm coming into your town." She put the phone down, thinking it was some boys playing a prank on her. About half an hour later the phone rang again. She picked it up and the deep voice bellowed: "I am the vindow viper and I'm coming down your road." Again, the woman put the phone down, thinking that the boys were very determined. Around a minute later, the phone rang again. She sighed and picked up the phone. Again, the deeep voice boomed: "I am the vindow viper and I'm just outside your door!" She put the phon

1. Your mother has a short-haired, curly perm. 2. Your dad is some sort of engineer. 3. Your parents still tried to get you into places half-price saying you were 12 when you were really 15. 4. You ask your parents help on one math problem and 2 hours later they're still lecturing. 5. You have a 40 lb. bag of rice in your pantry. 6. You shop 99 ranch. 7. Everyone thinks you're "Chinese" no matter what part of Asia your ancestors were from. 8. You've had a bowl haircut at one point in your life. 9. Your parents enjoy comparing you to their friends' kids. 10. You've had to sit through karaoke videos with scantily clad, ugly Asian women attempting to dance and walk around a temple, for

Yo momma's so dumb, she tells you Yo Momma jokes!

You know what would be odd? Some one with a deep, dark voice calls you and says, "I know what your phone number is...heh heh..."

Virgin Mobile wanted to sponsor the national team. SAFA (South African Footballing Association) refused to let it happen. They said, "How will it look if the team has Virgin written on their shirts when they get f****d up every other weekend?"

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

A sandwich walked into a bar and asked for a pint. The bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve food."

If at first u dont suceed Fuck the world and smoke some weed