Q: What do you call an oxymoron? A: A smart blonde!

Wanna hear a dirty joke? A boy fell in a mud puddle.

A doctor came to a sanitarium to check up on the patients. He sees that everybody is walking around with an empty leash. So he asks a few patients what they are doing. They all answered that they are taking their dog out on a walk. Only one of the patients said "What are you, blind? I'm holding an empty leash!" So the doctor says "Very good, I see you are not as crazy as everyone else." When the doctor leaves, the patient says, "Did you see how we fooled him, Sparky?!"

A doctor goes into a sanitarium one day to check up on the patients. He sees they are all lined up with bathing suits on, jumping into the air and landing hard on the floor. He asks them what they are doing, and they all answer "We're diving into the pool". Only one of them sits aside watching them. "I see you're not diving into the pool" the doctor says. The patient replies "I'm the lifeguard."

What do you get when you breed a blonde and a New York gangster? A juvenile deliquent who spray paints chain link fences.

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in London. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the Ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down in one. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slappe

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay and the surgeon decides to leave the bullets where they are as it is too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong," asks the mother. "Well, mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out," replies the daughter. The mother tells her it is okay and explains what happened 16 years before. About a week later the second daughter walks into the room in tears. "Mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out." The mother tells her what happened 16 years before and te

A poor Jamaican fisherman was shipwrecked on a desert island. He had lost his boat, his livelihood and possessions. He was trudging round the island in a dejected mood when he came across an old brass lamp washed up on the beach. Remembering the tale of Aladdin (and the role of magic lamps in jokes) he rubbed it. POOF! A Genie appeared. A Jewish Genie. "Vey!" he said. "Am I glad to be outta there. Three hundred years I bin in that thing, my life and soul! What can I do for you my boy?" The Jamaican asked if the Genie granted wishes. "Wishes, Schmishes! Course I do. I'll grant you two wishes, used to be three but I gotta think about my margins." "Well," said the Jamaican after some consi

CLASSIC QUOTE: A quote from Sky News "Umm Qasr is a city similar to Southampton," UK defence minister Geoff Hoon said in the Commons yesterday. "He's either never been to Southampton, or he's never been to Umm Qasr," says a British squaddie patrolling Umm Qasr. Another soldier added: "There's no beer, no prostitutes and people are shooting at us. It's more like Portsmouth."

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. Problem was, the parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary, but to no avail. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and scre

Microsoft Vs. General Motors At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would the be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on

A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car. She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?" Her husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm." She asks, "What about the smell?" He says, "Hold its nose."