2 guys are sitting at a bar after a hard days work and start talking about their wives. 1st guy: "You know what, my wife is an angel." 2nd guy: "Gee, you sure are lucky, my wife is still alive!"

Knock Knock Who's there? Aesop Aesop who? Aesop I saw a Putty Cat, I did I did!

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?" "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?" "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble." "I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefu

When I was growing up I never bothered to learn French. So I tried very hard to avoid French in general, since I didn't know any of it. It was very hard to avoid... ...since my family spoke french...

Google Products We'll Never See 11. Google Hitman Assistant - Find, schedule, and collect on all your assassinations with this suite of products. 10. Googlearchy - Tired of democracy? Install the government that everyone loves without annoying pop-up ads. 9. Google Smite - An extension of Google Earth uses laser beams attached to the satellites to exact revenge or just have some fun for paid subscribers. 8. Google Carnage - Use real-time satellite images to zoom in and see car, train, or plane crashes and other disasters. 7. Google Ogle - The hottest unsecured webcams on the Internet. 6. Googlebator - Used with Google Ogle, it's our first attempt at hardware. 5. Google Alibi - Paid se

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?" The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the clerk doesn't answer him. The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?" And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy storms off in anger. The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?" The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your ..." Customer: "Halloo, can I order?" Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?" Customer: "It's eh ..., hold on ... 698-45-54610 ..." Operator : "OK... you're ... Mr Steven Huckleberry and you're calling from 17 Retief Str. Your home number is 4094 2366, your office 7645 2302 and your mobile is 082 266 2566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?" Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?" Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir." Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..." Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir." Customer: "How come?" Operator : "According to your medical

This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears a whistle: "Whooee da Whoee!" He sees something coming towards him, but doesn't know what it is. Predictably, he's hit - but, only a glancing blow - and is thrown to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises. After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party, one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the closet and proceeds to batter and

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it any more, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies,"It's Keith, the midget."

A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex education to her class. She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, "Does anyone know what this is?" Little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!" Teacher, "Are you sure about that?" Little Johnny, "Yes, he uses the small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and the big long one to brush the baby-sitter's teeth."

Yo Momma is so Dumb she put training wheels on your tricycle.

An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded yes, so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him. The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat." The third patron to come into the restaurant was a redneck on crutches. He hobbled ove