A bear goes into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender replies, "Sorry we dont serve bears here." The bear, upset, says angrily, "Gimme a beer or I'll eat that lady over there!" The bartender says, "Go ahead, I don't care." The bear goes and savagely mauls the woman then eats her in front of the bartender. The bear goes and says, "Now give me a beer or I'll eat someone else." The bartender says, "I'm sorry we don't serve bears on drugs in here." The bear goes, "What? I'm not on drugs!" The bartender says, "What about the barbituate?"

A blonde was walking past a schoolyard during recess when she saw a young girl standing all alone on one end of the soccer field, while the other children all played a game of soccer. Feeling sorry for the poor child, she went up to the girl and made small talk. She asked the little girl if she was OK. The little girl replied she was fine. The blonde then said, "Why don't you go play with the other children?" The little girl replied, "I already am." The blonde, a bit annoyed said, "What do you mean, you already am?" The girl replied, "I am playing." The blonde, thinking the girl was lying so she wouldnt be embarassed, said, "Wanna be friends?" The girl hesitated, then reluctantly said Sure.

Why can't you trust a blonde to call for an ambulance? She can't find the 11 to call 911.

Yo Momma is so bald when she wears a turtleneck she looks like a broken condom.

Yo Momma so fat when she stepped on my dog's tail I had to change his name to "Beaver."

A blonde was out shopping in Lousiana when she saw a beautiful pair of shoes made from genuine alligator skin. She goes into the store and asks the price. The shopkeeper says, "$1000" The blonde not having that kind of money tried to haggle with the store's owner, until the owner finally got fed up and threw her out of his store. The blonde furious yells at the store owner, "FINE! KEEP YOUR DAMN SHOES! I'LL GO HUNT MY OWN ALLIGATOR AND THEN GET MY OWN SHOES FOR A FAIR PRICE!!!!" Driving home the store owner sees the blonde in a local swamp, up to her waist in the muddy waters holding a double-barrel shotgun. Just then he sees the blonde take aim at a nearby alligator taking a nap and shoots

Why did the blonde call the welfare office? She wanted to know how you cook food stamps.

A smart blonde (no, that's not the joke) goes into a bank in New York and asks if she can take out a loan of $1000. The banker, not trusting the woman, asks her for collateral. The woman decides she'll give the man her brand new BMW for collateral until she can pay the man back. The banker, thinking that she's such a dumb blonde she's willing to put a car worth a ton of money up for a measly $1000, jumps on the deal, so he takes the car and gives her the money. 2 months later, the blonde comes back with a briefcase and opens it up before the banker. Inside is the $1000 neatly placed inside. The banker is amazed but responds, "Um, you forgot the interest. It'll be $50." The blonde quietly tak

The amount of sleep required by the average person is about five minutes more.

They say one way to build character is to do things you don't want to do. Every day I do two things I don't want to do: I get out of bed in the morning and go to bed at night!

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money. -- Jackie Mason

The perfect climate is in bed.