For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother. In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's. Clouds are high-flying fogs. Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do. Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does. Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water. We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe. Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail. Rain is saved up in cloud banks. You can listen to thunder after

ON MODERNISM How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. THOUGHTS ON METAPHYSICS Deja Vu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before. ON DEEP THOUGHTS A day without sunshine is like night. ON PARADOX AND RETURN POLICIES There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane". If you buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back and demand a refund? ON HIGHER EDUCATION College is a fountain of knowledge... and the students are there to drink.

In a recent On-line poll 38,562 men across the UK were asked to identify a woman's ultimate fantasy. 98.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick. You find humor in other people's stupidity. You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free." You believe chocolate is a food group. You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside. You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today. When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior. You have no life between August to June. When you mention "Vegetables" you're not talking a

Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs? A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all. Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant? A. Have sex once a year. Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving? A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant. Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A. With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving? A. Depends on what you're doing with them. Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? A

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes." When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

These pick up lines are so nasty, they're insults... The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand. I like every bone in your body, especially mine. How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up? Will you be my love buffet so I can lay you out on a table and take anything I want? Why don't you sit on my face and let me eat my way to your heart? Baby, I'm like milk, I'll do your body good. Is that a mirror in your pants because I can see myself in them. Hey baby, let's play army; I'll lay down you can blow me up

Shirts must have too much room, look what people have written on them... Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either. I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound as they go flying by. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person. I Haven't Lost My Mind. It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE; 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You become Santa Claus. 4) You start to look like Santa Claus. Some days you are the

Girl: Do you believe in puppy love? Boy: I tried it once, but their assholes are too small. ---------------------------------------------------------- Husband says; "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me." Wife replied; "What makes you think I'd want another man like you?" ---------------------------------------------------------- When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness. ---------------------------------------------------------- A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Why? Are my eyes bulging?" ----

Hey, did you hear about the... Paper company that folded? Brake company on the skids? Bra manufacturers that went bust? Surgeon who was forced to take a cut in his salary? Cigarette company that went up in smoke? Baker who was short of dough? Refrigerator manufacturer that had its assets frozen? Corset firm that felt the squeeze? Upholsterers that couldn't cover their costs? Adhesive tape company that got into a sticky situation? Tennis ball manufacturer that ended up in court? Downfall of the bungee suppliers? The train company that went off the rails? The ship building company that sunk? The dental practice that was rotten to its roots?

Deep Salvage Pick Reminiscent of the deep sea exploration to find the Titanic ship, you probe deep into your nasal passages. Utensil Pick When fingers, and even your thumb, just aren't enough to get the job done to your satisfaction. Extra Pick When you have been digging for nuggets hours upon hours and suddenly you hit the jackpot! Excitement only equalled by winning the lottery. Depression Pick When you're sad, and the only way to fill the void is to pick so hard and fast that the agony overcomes your feeling of remorse and depression. Pick A Lot What we would call abnormal amounts of picking. Anything in the three digit realm we consider a bit too much for a 24 hour time frame. Kiddi